Dave Pundit's Predictions

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. What a week for English football as Barcelona were outplayed and outscored by Chelsea. Chelsea didn't waste time with any of that passing the ball nonsense or having shots or any of those tiring things that foreigners do instead of playing the game how it's supposed to be played. You know what they say, if you want to be the best you have to beat the best, well Barcelona failed.

Arsenal v Chelsea
Chelsea have just proved that tippy tappy football doesn't beat a strong defence, and you don't get much stronger than John Terry. In many ways he's like Popeye, except John Terry doesn't eat spinach, he chews grit and he doesn't care about girls like Olive Oyl. He likes girls with big jubblies.
Verdict: 0-2

Blackburn v Norwich
This has to be Blackburn's biggest game of the season. Not because Norwich are rivals or because they're one of the big teams, their not, it's a big game because if Blackburn lose this then they'll only have a few games left to turn around their season. It doesn't come much bigger than that. Apart from the other few games obviously. Whatever happens here Blackburn's fate won't be decided until the last game of the season and that will be the biggest game for them. This one, against a bunch of inbreds with 97 digits on all 8 of their hands, will pail into insignificance.
Verdict: 1-1

Bolton v Swansea
If ever there was a team that deserved to beat Swansea it's Bolton. Because Bolton are English. In fact all teams deserve to beat Swansea. Welsh gits.
Verdict: 2-0

Fulham v Wigan
People have been banging on about what great form Wigan are in. So they beat Arsenal? Big deal, if you make two foreign teams play each other then one of them is bound to win. Not like English teams. And as for the fact that they play an 'unusual' 3-4-3 formation, so what? My teams often played with 3 in defence after I got sent off.
Verdict: 2-1

Newcastle v Stoke
In years to come these two fine British institutions will sit at the top of the league looking down at all of the dross beneath them and revelling in their English glory. My English glory doesn't seem to be working at the moment. But on the plus side if you don't come, then you don't have to pay the hooker, that's the way I see it.
Verdict: 0-0

QPR v Tottenham
Was it a goal, wasn't it a goal? It's impossible to say, unless you're Tottenham in which case you'd say it wasn't. QPR may be down on their luck but I don't think they'll ever know the pain a dodgy decision by a referee like that one. Still it all balances out in the end so Tottenham will probably get all the ref's decisions here. Or they will if Redknapp lower his high moral standards a bit and slip the ref a bung.
Verdict: 0-2

Manchester Utd v Everton
Redknapp should take a leaf from Fergie's book, he obviously knows how to get the refs to give his team all the decisions. Man City may have tried to buy the league but Fergie just bought the referees. That's why he's the best manager in the world after John Terry.
Verdict: 2-1

Liverpool v West Brom
Liverpool have won the FA Cup and Carling Cup this season and proved that you don't have to win the league to earn the love and respect of everyone. We should all raise our glasses to the finest team in the world, Liverpool. Now let's hope they destroy Roy Hodgson for once and for all. Literally. I hope they stab him in the eye.
Verdict: 8-0

Wolves v Man City
STAB HIM IN THE EYE! SOD YOU HODGSON! I'LL EAT YOUR FACE OFF, WOY!

Hi, Julian Pundit here, Dave's brother. I've just found him lying on the kitchen floor, frothing at the mouth. Now I've seen more than my fair share of men with white fluid in their gobs but this didn't look half as good as that. I better take him to hospital.

Oh and Man City. I think I've been to that club. I scored. And they will too against those nasty Wolves. I prefer a bear myself.
Verdict: 0-3