Harry's teamtalk

I imagine good old Harry's teamtalk yesterday went something like this:

'Come on, lads, no need to worry, we've been playing brilliantly last few months, absolutely triffic, we've just been unlucky. Brad, do what you usually do, Benoit, wear your hair down, we never win like that, but it'll make you look better. Remember who we're playing, QPR, Q-P-R, yeah, triffic. Leds, keep doing what you've been doing, you've been outstanding, same with you Gallas, great signing, a leader, experienced, those fans don't know what they're talking about. Kyle, I know you've played about a million times in a row and you're knackered but we've got no-one else because I let them go on loan. What's this rotation lark, never works, trust me, tactics don't matter in football. Just get it down and play, we're great to watch. I love watching us.

Scotty, great bloke, great family man, sort of bloke you want around this place, bit like that Irish geezer I got rid of and the tall fella, Crouchy, great lad Crouchy, anyway Scotty, you know what you have to do, run around a lot in circles then give the ball away, and don't even try to score, that's not your game, you're a ball winner, a salt-of the earth English legend. Don't worry, we've already arranged it, you're my captain for the first game at the Euros, triffic. Luka, you're off in the summer like me, so no need to turn up today, just make sure you don't do too much, alright son? Sandro, you'll be off at half-time again once I've realised I've got me tactics wrong, so don't do anything to make yourself look good, OK son? Gareth, don't stay out on that left where you offer nothing, just roam around outside the strikers, getting in everyone's way, OK mate. Rafa, keep putting those corners to the near post like you have been, we'll score one of them eventually, and Jermain, I don't really think you're good enough, but do a job for me up top by yourself, no-one's expecting much or expecting you to do anything, you're just the third choice.

QPR are a great team, should be top half, and I'll change it to 442 once things go wrong. I'm off in a couple of weeks, lads, so don't put too much effort in. I don't want lots of pressure on me for my new job. Now get out there and be the Tottenham of the past - gutless, weak, pushovers - it's what the fans are used to.