Dave Pundit's Predictions

Hi, I'm Dave Pundit. Firstly I'd like to thank all the people who wished me well after my unfortunate collapse last week. I'm still in hospital but the doctors think I should be able to make a complete recovery. Apparently my body had decided to reject my left knacker which then passed into my bloodstream and got lodged in my brain, causing me to go a bit crazy. They removed the knacker from my head but it didn't work, as I kept on thinking that Arsene Wenger had actually done quite a good job at Arsenal. After 3 nights of this horrific delusion I asked the doctors to put the ball back but apparently they'd already sent it off for tests. So now I'm waiting to have a silicon implant put in its place. I will endeavour to ensure that my predictions are as clear and rational as always.

Everton v Fulham
I would never have predicted Everton to get a result against Man Utd last week but to come back from 4-2 down to clinch a draw was an admirable effort and one that blew the race for the title wide open, but wouldn't it be just like football to see Everton slump to a defeat here against lesser opposition? It's a funny old game. Sorry that's a terrible cliche. It's a funny old game. 110%. Funny 110% old game. Over the moon. Literally. Funny. Moon.
Verdict: 0-1

Stoke v Arsenal
Ah a true clash of footballing styles the ugly against the beautiful. The physical v technical but who will triumph? STOKE!!!! Can't do it on a wet Wednesday, Tuesday, Saturday, winter, ROSWELL!!!! Stoke. Van Persie's been good this year hasn't he? He brings a touch of class to the premiersh-STOKE!!! BREAK THEIR LEGS YOU GLORIOUS GIANTS!
Verdict: 1-0

Sunderland v Bolton
Even when I had my grip on sanity I wouldn't have cared about this game. CHEESE STRINGS! Replace my knacker! PLEASE!
Verdict: 1-1

Swansea v Wolves
Did I ever tell you my father was Welsh? Lovely place it is. Full of beautiful STEAMING ARSEHEADS! I really think Wolves could stay up this year, Terry Thomas has done a wonderful job there.
Verdict: 1-3

West Brom v Aston Villa
A derby match, and one with added pressure as Villa's slump to the bottom of the league continues. It just goes to show if you park the bus you have to make sure it's big enough to cover the whole goal. FULL OF GRIT. GRIT AND ENGLISHNESS. GRINGLISHNESS. Alex McGRINGLISH will save the Villa. Roy Hodgson you git you killed Liverpool. LIVERPOOL!
Verdict: 0-0

Wigan v Newcastle
Wig wam bam gonna make you my man. Ah the nurse is here. Would you like to share my wigwam? You're a fine Geordie lass aren't you? You're from Sunderland you say? Never heard of it. These drugs make my arm taste good.
Verdict: 1-1

Norwich v Liverpool
Liverpool, that's where I grew up you know. I've never been to Norwich but I did once see Delia Smith in a Waterstones. She was signing books, who knew she could write. I don't think she's really from Norwich. Lovely Liverpool. Ferry cross the Mersey. Penny Lane. You'll never walk alone, which is sometimes a shame really. NO IT'S NOT! NO! NOTHING ABOUT LIVERPOOL IS A SHAME! NOT EVEN ANDY CARROLL!
Verdict: 0-1

Chelsea v QPR
John Terry, the human equivalent of a knacker in the head. He made the ultimate sacrifice for his team, he knew they'd have to get 10 men behind the ball against Barcelona so he made it simple for his teammates by not having that pesky eleventh player on the field making the maths more difficult. Anyway he's not that sort of player you know. If he'd meant to knee Sanchez in the back he would've paralysed him. GRIT! GRIT! GRIT!
Verdict: 2-0

Tottenham v Blackburn
Tottenham are my team of the year. Except for all the other better teams of course. Not Blackburn though, they smell of wee. Hehehehehehehe I HATE THIS WORLD!
Verdict: 3-0

Manchester City v Manchester United
NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER NEED BEER.
Verdict: 2-2

Hello there, Julian Pundit here again. I can only apologise for my brother. Hopefully he'll die soon. Us Pundit's love a stiffy.