Excitement at West Ham

FAT
Fat cat bankers in the Square mile are bracing themselves as share prices in newly promoted West Ham Utd are set to rocket with the in-the-know gossip that Spurs failure David Bentley could be joining them for a rumoured £5M, one city insider said the share price could rise by as much as 0.1% over the next few weeks but will probably collapse when they achieve relegation in 10 months time. The East London giants who have splashed the cash on no one in particular already this transfer window are also linked with England and Liverpool crock Joe Cole, when the star was asked about a possible move back to the Boleyn Ground he laughed for a while before hanging up the phone. Meanwhile Spurs defender William Gallas is considering a move to East London’s biggest club and the French star is also being linked with West Ham United as well. With all the excitement about these big names being tied to the club, chairperson Karen Brady couldn’t resist a chance to make a statement to a disinterested journalist at a press conference: “I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I do know it’s all Daniel Levy’s fault".


SAM
Sam Allardyce the Manager, and the clubs owners Sullivan and Gold are excited about the forthcoming season and their attempt at survival in the EPL, egotistical tosspot David Gold explained to anyone that would listen “I can’t wait, I really can’t, we are going to play the Huge London teams like Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham" ...a statement some fans are up in arms about with one saying “only Man Utd, Liverpool and Arsenal are bigger than West Ham" another boring everyone with “first brick? Have you laid the first brick yet?" whilst their only other fan delivered the tedious, made up and over used chestnut “West Ham won the world cup you know!"


BET
Bookmakers are also said to be monitoring the situation at Lego Towers, the rumoured new signings and the buzz surrounding the once half-decent club is seeing the Bookies competing with each other to give the best odds on the clubs survival at the top level. A trip round the high street Bookmakers will find odds as generous as 135/2 (William Hill) to as mean as 67/1 (Coral) …That Paddy Power bloke who is never off the radio and amusingly calls himself Paddy said “begorrah, you will be better off investing in a Nigerian Scam than betting against West Ham getting relegated this season, so you will, to be sure"


SCAM
The E13 Clubs Arrival back on the main stage of English football has been a snazzy return by their usual low standards, a big season ticket marketing campaign has seen the club splash out on a full page advertisement in the glitzy Romford Recorder. The tickets are available from the club shop with an Adult ticket costing from around £600, but research has shown the best deals around are: Tesco Barking (2 season tickets for 1 with 6000 Tesco points), Utilising Nectar card promotions or Alfredo’s independant wholesale at Pitsea Market (2 free tickets with a £9.99 gaudy plastic carriage clock), alternatively, wait a few weeks and they could potentially be paying you to take them off their hands in an attempt to scam the sales figures for advertising revenue.