Will the PORTS ever be satisfied?

Packing up quietly they left their humble homes on the Armagh hillsides and set sail for the Viking fortress near Riga on the shores of the great Baltic Sea. Taking the Vikings by complete surprise they quickly wiped them out. Not satisfied with this success and becoming increasingly annoyed about all the babbling about Alexander the Great and his invincible Macedonians, they then force marched right across Europe into the Macedonian mountains. Dawn of 3rdJuly found this ragged bunch of Ulster raiders on Shkendija's heat shimmered plain facing the Sons of Alexander. The battle raged all day, but as darkness fell the two sides were locked in a stalemate. It was then that the Ports venerable old chieftain decided that a little slyness was in order. He directed his men to fall back as if in defeat and disarray. High Chief Ronnie knew the Sons of Alex would certainly pursue them back to Portadown where he planned a rather unpleasant surprise for them. When the Macedonians finally breached the walls of Shamrock Park some days later, big Ronnie's men hit them with their secret 45 yard free kick ploy. The Macedonian collapse was total. The few fortunate enough to survive tried to swim down the Bann to the sea and freedom, but only one is believed to have made it back to his homeland aided by a few sympathetic Glenavon supporters.

A nervous peace seems to have settled again over Europe, but the frightening question remains: Where will the Ports strike next? Will Chief Ronnie be able to hold the younger more extreme elements in check or will the very cream of European football have to be offered up as a sacrifice in an effort to placate the Portsmen and allow the rest of us to escape the horrible fate of the Rigan Vikings and Alexander's Macedonians. The Reals, Barcas and Uniteds of this World have vowed not to give up without a fight, but everyone knows they have no answer to the Ports "three centre forwards, no backs" strategy. Nor to the Ports mighty "long gun" as their 45yard free kick tactic is frighteningly referred to. Most importantly and worryingly, who in all of Europe possesses a chieftain with the smarts of Big Ronnie?