Let's talk about Alan

A few more

" Lynn, they're 5ex people"

" Not my words Carol, the words of top gear magazine"

" Well Sonia, that was classic intercourse"

" Kiss my face"

" I don't sweat because I use Lynx Africa"

Sad thing is my missus says I'm just like him and use all his lines quite regularly. Secretly I'm quite pleased about this though.

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Anything that begins "Oh you know..." - guaranteed quality

whoever gave it one star but didn't dare comment is a coward. Just like an archer. when a cowboy shoots his gun you hear it and get a warning. when an Indian fires an arrow you get hit and if you're lucky it just goes throw your hat and you look silly. if your unlucky you die and your horse rides off with you slumped over. So I hate archers, the archers and Geoffrey archer. all of them are cowards. except the archers, who are generally a mixed bag.

The classic English gentleman abroad: It's David Niven. It's Stuart Grainger. It's Nigel Havers. The look - Imperial Leisure. Offset that look with those four summer reliables - hat, cravat, summer spectacles and, for that touch of class, the Alan Partridge blazer badge.

"Stop getting Bond wrong!"

"Lynn?! You couldn't present a... Cat!"

AP "Can I tell a few jokes at this conference?"

South African business man " No you can't"

AP " There's no need to call me that"

Crash!!!! Bang!!!!! Wallop!!!!!

"You won't find these in your average B&Q, they're french"