Handy Guide to: Sunderland AFC

As I trawled tinterwebs to find comments from Our Nige which I could take out of context and attack him for, I was staggered to find we’re due to play someone called “Sunderland AFC" in a pre-season friendly on August 8th at Pride Park: Home of Football ©™

Whilst on principle I don’t agree with playing nobodies by way of warming up, I nonetheless determined to find out what I could of this footballing minnow such that we may be informed when we beat them resoundingly at a canter.

Here we are then:

Formed in 1879 as “Sunderland & District Teachers Association Football Club", they changed their name to the more manageable ‘Sunderland Association FC’ in 1881 when it became apparent there was no use for teachers in such a mentally-challenged area of the country. They turned pro in 1885, a year after the birth of football, to cash in on the trend set and perfected in Derby the year before.

In 1890, SAFC replaced Stoke City in the Football League after offering to assist with the travel costs of visiting clubs. Their shirts were very similar, so they got the okay and entered the league that had been formed by proper clubs in 1888.

SAFC have won the league six times, all pre-war, and have won the FA Cup on two notable occasions, 1937 and 1973. The ’37 victory is noteworthy because Raich Carter received a medal then and in 1946 with Derby County, making him the only player to win it either side of WWII. The ’73 victory because it was against Don Revie’s dirty Leeds, so for that service to the game. Carter also played cricket for Derbyshire and Durham, although really not very well at all.

The club on which Rangers based their business model, Sunderland have twice been fined and had directors suspended for illegal payments to players, in 1904 and again in 1957. Ironically, they benefitted from Swindon Town doing the same thing in 1990 when, despite losing to them 1-0 in the Play Off Final, Swindon were relegated to Division Three and Sunderland promoted to Division One.

Speaking of Play Off Finals, in 1998 SAFC were involved in the most incredible Final ever witnessed, drawing 4-4 with Charlton before Micky Gray, boyhood Sunlun fan, scuffed the decisive ‘sudden death’ penalty and Charlton prevailed 7-6.

In 2007, Sunderland paid a ridiculous £9m for Craig Gordon which, you won’t be surprised to learn, was a British record fee for a keeper and will probably never be eclipsed for a Scottish keeper, as they’re notoriously garbage.

Ahead of their keepers they have woman-toucher and rapist’s-brother Titus Bramble, who evidently has a better defence in court than he’s ever managed on a football pitch.

After winning the league in 1895, SAFC played against the Scottish champions Hearts and won 5-3, being crowned “Champions Of The World".. a bit like the baseball ‘World Series’ then.

Sundertoon play their ‘football’ (such as it is) at the stupidly- titled “Stadium of Light" which has a capacity of 49,000 in theory. With an average attendance 10k below that figure though, perhaps the upscaling from 42,000 wasn’t such a great idea. Their highest attendance 75,118 was in 1933 for the visit of footballing superstars Derby County for an FA Cup replay, which even eclipses the totals when they host their superior neighbours Newcastle United.

In the “Tyne and Wear Derby" matches versus Newcastle, as you’d expect Newcastle have the upper hand, having won 53 of their matches against 45 for the forgotten men of the North East. Bizarrely, Sunderland’s highest ever victory was recorded against their arch-rivals, a 9-1 drubbing in 1908.

Currently playing in the Premier League, SAFC were embarrassingly relegated with a record low total of 19 points in 2003, a miserly total we football connoisseurs thought could never be matched.. they managed to better (?) that tally in 2006 however, with a ridiculous 15 points. Clearly too fantastically-poor to ever be eclipsed, records stopped in 2006 and they remain the worst-ever Premier League side.

The club is presently managed by Martin O’Neill... in the mould of Mourinho, Wenger and Villas Boas, O’Neill was a resounding failure as a player, playing briefly for rubbish clubs before moving into coaching. A boyhood Sunderland and Celtic fan, O’Neill has now managed both of his favourite teams.

Sunderland is the club at which Brian Clough ended his playing career tragically short. Having scored 63 goals in 74 matches for them, on Boxing Day in 1962 in a home match versus Bury, Clough collided with the oppo keeper and damaged his cruciate and medial ligaments. Of players who have scored 200+ goals in the English leagues, Clough remains the most effective striker of all time with a goal-per-game ratio of 0.916.. what would he be worth today?!!

cont’d below