A brief guide to the transfer market

We all know that everyone on this board - and that seems to be the entire population of JA606 at the moment - watches ALL European games and has an encyclopedic knowledge of all European leagues.

For example, we all know that all Arsenal fans were glued to the TV for all of Lille's games last season, and therefore know that Gervinho will fit right into the Premiership and is not a risk at £10m. However, if you're not able to do this, here's a few tips on how to tell if a player is good..

- He's foreign. Everyone knows that only foreign players are any good. English players only know how to play a game called "Hoofball", which is closely related to football, but is not the same.

- He has a good YouTube reel. Alex Ferguson knows that this is the single best way to scout a player and Alex Ferguson doesn't make mistakes in the transfer market.

- Once you're watching YouTube, be aware that the mark of quality is speed. If a player can run fast, he's 90% there. If the YouTube clip has a techno soundtrack all the better.

- Stepovers. any player who doesn't do stepovers is a 'donkey'. FACT.

- With the combination of speed and stepovers, you're 99% there. If your boy can go past a couple of players and score a screamer against Granada or for the Spanish U19's against the Phillipines, then he's definitely good.

- If he runs into corners, loses the ball a bit, or doesn't track back, it's not important. What's important is that he looks good on the ball on YouTube. And that he has white boots.

- Any player who has played for any team in the bottom half of the PL is a waste of time. It's not important if they're young or their Opta stats suggest that they were very effective. They're already losers and always will be.

- Lastly remember that all transfers are comparable. If, for example Mesut Ozil was bought for £12m, then any player being sold for more is automatically better. Kenny Dalglish obviously thinks that Andy Carroll is twice as good as Mesut Ozil.

Anyway, hope that helps. All of the above conclusively proves that Kenny Dalglish has no idea what he's doing. Signing players from the PL who people have heard of is just plain stupid.

He should be sacked. I'm sure you all agree.