Handy Guide to: Bolton Wanderers FC

Researching record-breaking capitulations and tactical ineptitude at the beginning of domestic seasons, I was staggered to find we are due to play some side called “Bolton Wanderers FC" this coming Tuesday. Never having heard of this footballing minnow, I’ve scoured tinternets to bring you this handy cut out and keep guide such that you may better appreciate just who it is that we’re bringing the Derby County Football Superstars Roadshow to.

Here we are then:

Bolton Wanderers FC was formed in 1874 as “Christ Church FC" but changed their name in 1877 in readiness for heavenly football being born in 1884, in a manger, in Derby. In thanks for their deference, Bolton was allowed to become founder members of Derby’s ‘Football League’ in 1888.

Tuesday’s football lesson will be held at their ground, the Reebok Stadium, which has a presumed capacity of 28,101 although this has never been seriously tested as they have some proper clubs in their vicinity, the likes of Preston, Wigan and Bury.

Full-time Bolton Chairman and part-time Oompah Lumpah Phil Gartside is currently grateful his pretentious and disgusting idea of creating a two-tier Premier League with no relegation from PL2 hasn’t come to fruition, having now realised that no relegation = no promotion either.

Owen Coyle is the present Bolton manager, having abandoned Saturday's 2-0 victors Burnley to relegation at a critical time for them. Previous incumbents include Rams legends Bruce Rioch and Roy Mac. Colin Todd also had a spell in the Bolton hotseat, although his glorious record at Derby has been expunged due to him having inflicted Andy Todd on the game.

Andy Todd unfortunately played for both of our clubs; booted out of Bolton for fracturing the asst manager’s face on a team bonding session he left Derby for more traditional football reasons, in that he’s garbage. He did, however, score 5% of our Premier League goals with the equaliser against Portsmouth.

Tyrone Mears, pacy fullback and renowned escapologist, is a Bolton player. The easily-confused Sierra Leonean once played for Jamaica despite not actually having any ancestry for the country... liking Bob Marley apparently doesn’t qualify. No bloodline, no cry. He broke his leg shortly after following Coyle from Burnley last year and has made only one appearance since. Shame.

Kevin Davies is their captain and one of the most lethal strikers around. Not at scoring goals, unfortunately; Davies is the dirtiest player ever in the Premier League, having committed more fouls than any other player in it’s history and in season 10/11 broke his own record for most fouls in a season, with 121. He’s one booking behind career thug and racist Lee Bowyer in Premier League bookings, having had his name taken 100 times. Congratulations

Phil ‘Tango’ Brown was caretaker manager for five matches after the departure of Todd in ‘99, then served as Big Sam’s assistant for six years before leaving to become a sacrificial lamb at Pride Park in 2005. Eventually finding acceptance amid the orange-loving hordes of Hull fans, Brown famously gave his halftime team talk on the pitch on Boxing Day 2008. Menkles!!

The three promoted clubs survived relegation from the Premier League last season, for only the second time ever. The previous survivors were a decade previous, with Fulham and Blackburn accompanying Bolton up and all three survived until last May, when both Bolton and Blackburn took the drop into a proper league.

During Big Sam’s bung-ridden reign, the club typified the mercenary face of Premier League football, with many foreign players retiring to The Reebok for one last pay day for both themselves and Sam’s son, allegedly. The team bus was actually a Saga Sunshine Coach, such was the average age of Sam’s squads. Players that wore their Bolton tracksuit bottoms just below their saggy old man moobs include Youri Djorkaeff, Ivan Campo, Gary Speed, Jared Borgetti and (nearly) Dietmar Hamman.

Hamman hilariously decided a few minutes after arriving that he actually wanted to sign for Manchester City instead, and as his registration was not yet with the FA he was allowed to move on again for £400k compensation. The quickest premier league club career ever, all over in the uncontrollable tic of an eye.

A final hilarious curio from Bolton is England striker Michael Ricketts, who, having scored fifteen goals in the Premier League by February 2002, earned a call up to the national side. He didn’t score in his 45 minute cameo and, sadly, has only scored 26 goals in the decade since, for eleven different clubs. Prolific.

That’s all tinterwebs can tell us of this poorly-supported barnacle on the face of the beautiful game; please feel free to add any tidbits you may have gleaned yourselves below.