The secret diary of Doris the tea lady.

Ha! Only joking, it's me, Phil. I'm trying to lift the gloom surrounding the club after we had to go to Hull last Saturday - worse still we lost. I was livid as the hospitiality only went as far as a limp cold meat butty on stale white regenerated bread. I'm bloomin Bolton Chairman for goodness sake don't they know I know the top bread people? I prioritise writing a stern letter to the premier..sorry, football league about the state of bread in hospitiality areas. I also put down the idea that clubs can have points deducted for bread based inadequacies.

I'm call Owen in, again for his weekly whipping, a strong shatterproof ruler this week. He tells me, whilst i'm going to town on his back - ( I can't do his legs as the marks will show) - that he's got a plan in place. Namely to replace Zat Knight with my photocopier in defence. I refuse. I've got attached to it in my office - I've even given it a name. No, Clive will stay here doing my bidding and we'll just have to make do with a cardboard cut out of Zat instead. Well at least until people start asking why he's improved so much.

A few hours later and all the good daytime stuff has finished on TV in the chairman's office so I ring Big Sam. Sadly he's busy modelling the new range of wonder pant. Apparently it'll have the "lasses foaming in the unmentionable area like" He's nearly finished the shoot but is still oiled up so will take a few hours to get cleaned up so I leave it for now.

I need to have a plan in place just in case Owen's plans go south so I grab a copy of Gardening World to see which football managers are out of work right now. I see a good article about Gary's rodedendrums were doing well up until some unruly Bolton fans came in and kicked them over. Blimey he's still not forgiven them has he? I flick through and I have my shortlist.

I've got to say Alan Titchmarch is the current favourite. What an all rounder. Gardening, TV star, dirty book writer. I'm sure he could do this football lark piece of cake.

Right, got to prepare for the annual North West Chairman's annual meeting. We're hosting it this year and we've got to out do Whealo. Last year he had a number of famous artworks sculpted out of pies on display. The less said about the incident with Morecambe's chairman and the venus di pielo the better.