Bale vs San Marino

Not my own work, taken from Goal.com to share with you guys

It happened on Sunday afternoon.

It followed Gareth Bale's singular brilliance turning things around in Wales' 2-1 victory over Scotland, a match that otherwise screamed loudly about all the other things that you could have done on a Friday night. It followed San Marino conceding five goals to England, of all people.

Fifa, for once, finally listened to the general public and decided to do something about it. It decided to answer the question: Could Bale, on his own, beat the entire San Marino team? So they faced each other at the Millennium Stadium on Sunday.

Incredibly, the game appears not to have been widely reported upon, so MTW is pleased to be able to EXCLUSIVELY share with you the following extracts from its play-by-play commentary...

1' Gareth Bale kicks off.

1' PENALTY TO GARETH BALE! The winger falls to the floor in the centre circle to avoid injury as the away side walk slowly towards him. The referee, Mark Halsey, points to the spot for some reason.

2' GOAL! Bale thumps it easily past Aldo Simoncini, the goalkeeper having spotted a robin on a nearby advertising hoarding and run off to chase it. 1-0.

4' There is a delay at the restart as San Marino, confused, appear uncertain as to how to kick off as it would mean having possession.

9' The tiny European nation have the ball 30 yards from goal. Forward Danilo, confronted with it, nervously reaches out to prod it with a stick, as if it were a cobra that might spring up and attack. Bale arrives in time to make the tackle.

22' GOAL! San Marino's central defenders accidentally walk into each other. They stand there, chest-to-chest, for a full minute, allowing Bale to rush into space and score. 2-0.

38' The Tottenham star finishes his crossword (Three down, "Ultimatum ender, 2,4". Answer: ORELSE), stands up and shoots narrowly over from 60 yards.

HALF-TIME: Bale 2-0 San Marino. Substitute Lorenzo Buscarini gets so muddled in trying to take off his training bib that he is literally consumed by the garment and disappears from existence. Andy Selva comes on instead.

56' GOAL! Simoncini throws the ball into his own net for no discernible purpose. 3-0.

59' Bale finally comes out for the second half.

60' GOAL! The Wales star plays a smart one-two with himself and rounds Mirko Palazzi not once but five times before curling a shot between Simoncini's legs. 4-0

77' It has been a full 13 minutes since anyone kicked the ball. Bale is now concentrating solely on his GameBoy.

82' Substitution for Gareth Bale: Spurs youngster Kenneth McEvoy (Google him) replaces Bale.

90+2' Selva, two yards from goal and utterly sedate, suddenly exclaims: "Eureka!" Just as he pulls his leg back to finally shoot, eyes wide with discovery, Halsey blows his whistle and the game is over. Bale has won 4-0.