Handy Guide to: Nottingham Forest FC

As I trawled tinterwebs to confirm Nigel Clough’s new world record for shafting men in Brighton, with another 1100+ bent over by him last weekend, I was staggered to see we are due to play against some club called “Nottingham Forest FC" this coming weekend in an uncompetitive nPower Championship fixture.

Never having heard of this footballing minnow, I have scoured the supernets highway to determine what I could of this little-known outfit to produce a Handy Guide for you to impress your mates with, down at the pub.

Here we are then:

Nottingham Forest FC is based just outside of Nottingham. If you walk past the Hooters bar, a novel idea I know, their ‘ground’ appears on your left and just before you get to I’m Not Spartacus’s house.

Content removed by whiney Scousers whining to Admin

This week’s manager of the club is professional failure Alex McLeish. Despite his accent being quite similar to Billy Davies’s, McLeish has not had the same effect on the squad and it’s rumoured he’ll soon lose his spot to Rab C Nesbitt in a final push for play-off contention.

Pigeon-chested prancer and Daddy’s Boy extraordinaire Lee Camp can now add ‘Forest Reject’ to his CV. He’s been dropped more often than a cross in his penalty area and is not expected to take part in Saturday’s bi-annual drubbing.

Not content with hiding from scientific fact behind fanciful tales of bread and water being turned into fish and beer or something, RevSpencer has underlined his certifiability by betting the church roof fund on Forest beating Derby by three clear goals this weekend making him, ironically, an early contender for this year’s 606 Darwin Award.

Since 1993, when Brian Clough retired after finally securing Forest a place outside the top flight, they have averaged one manager every year. This recipe for success has seen them plummet down the leagues despite spending a Pompey-esque amount of money and again this season they’re on target to do nothing at all, having failed in all three competitions they entered.

As usual, Forest’s overspend on sacking managers will result in their having to select at least four loanees for this fixture, not being able to afford a proper squad of their own. Despite this being cheating and no way to secure the future of the club, both of Forest’s away fans will undoubtedly cheer them on anyway. Until they fall a goal behind, then they’ll shut up, as usual.

Just in case any Forest fans happen to stumble across this article here’s what the Brian Clough Trophy looks like, as you’ve always left by the time it’s presented:
http://goo.gl/UF8EU

Another player who failed to make the grade at Pride Park but was idolised at the wrong end of Brian Clough Way, Dexter Blackstock, is also poised to leave the City Ground as they continue to prepare for life in Division Three. Again.

David Platt, former Forest player, manager and astute transfer negotiator, is currently employed by Manchester City to assess the potential and value of Will Hughes. Platt also fell out with several established Forest players and moved them out of the club resulting in relegation to Division Three, something I’m sure McLeish wouldn’t do. He’s what..? Who..? Really?!! Oh; scrub that one then.

Forest are one of the dirtiest clubs in this division, their apparent disregard for the rules and indeed spirit of the game seeing them only marginally better off than Millwall, Watford and Huddersfield in the Fair Play league. No club has seen more than Forest, although this is one of the few fixtures hatchet man Adlene Guedioura misses through choice rather than suspension.

That’s all the (new) information I could find on Saturday’s visitors to Pride Park: Home of Football. Please share any interesting tidbits you may have gleaned for yourselves below: