Access All Areas: London Colney

Hello there franchise fans! Have a treat for you today with an exclusive, behind the scenes look at the incredibly detailed and intensive training that lays the basis of the amazing performances that you pay a highly reasonable sum of money to see each and every season.

Our reporter, Mitch Mitchelson, was granted incredible access to the coaching and playing staff so let's get to it!

MM: Hi there, I'm Mitch Mitchelson and welcome to London Colney where greatness is forged. Let's get straight to it and chat to coach Boro Primorac about what's happening on the training ground right now........Boro!

BP: Hi Mitch. Well as you can see right now the first team are huddled around Arsene as he gives them various words of technical advice that could prove useful in the next match.

MM: Such as?

BP: Right now is probably where he points to their hearts and tells them that they can be everything that they want to be if they believe.

MM: That's really touching. They're all laughing, what's happened?

BP: I would wager that young Theo has said that he wishes to be a cowboy or something else along those lines.

MM: Incredible banter! My, these guys are really tight-knit and close aren't they? Oh.....wait, they're dispersing. What's all this about?

BP: Defensive training now.

MM: Really? Well that blows away the theory that defensive organisation is an afterthought at Arsenal Football Club.

(All the players are lined up just outside the penalty area. Arsene blows a whistle and they all sprint forward at different speeds for 10 yards waving their arms. Arsene looks pleased)

BP: That went really well, you can tell because they were in a really impressive V formation, just like a flock of geese.

MM: Who's that over there hunched over and crying?

BP: That's Steve Bould. I have no idea why he's so upset all the time.

MM: Any chance I could get an interview with a player Boro?

BP: Sure thing.......Abou!

(Abou Diaby lollops over)

MM: You're looking fantastic out there Abou I must say. Do you find it hard to train covered in so much bubble wrap?

AD: My world is a world of agony and suffering. When will the constant pain cease?

MM: Erm........Arsene jokingly refers to your return as "like a new signing" which I find incredibly funny and totally not soul crushing. Are you pleased to be back?

AD: I pray for the day that I can join my forefathers in Valhalla and to cease being prevented from doing so by the magical properties of horse placenta and severe electrolysis.

BP: ABOU!!!!! We have the Staff of Zoltar, you know that you must obey lest we curse your ancestors to never-ending pain in the seventh level of hell! Ask your question again talky man!

MM: Err, ok. So.....you well happy to be back then?

AD: I'm over the moon. We have a young team.......lots of quality.........win a trophy........and so on.

BP: Back to your pit now and prepare for your penance!

MM: So what are the guys doing now?

BP: Well Mitch, as you can see the players are not moving as when playing our slick passing game the opposition expect bamboozling movement so we counter that expectation by remaining static throughout.

MM: That's pretty darn clever!

BP: Hey..........want to see our new signing?

MM: GOD YES!!!!

BP: Look behind you Mitch.

(Mitch turns around and sees that a mirror has been placed behind him. He stares deeply into his own reflection)

MM: You mean that each and every one us who have Arsenal in our hearts can in-fact use the power of love to change the world for the better and to overcome the piddling little fact that there is a paucity of quality players in the squad? That the monetary solution is the wrong path?

BP: Your eyes are open now, there is no more that I can teach you for you have transcended the physical realm.

(Mitch Mitchelson sheds his worldly body and becomes a holy beam of light that shoots off into the stratosphere)

(Ivan Gazidis teleports in beside Boro)

BP: It's working Ivan, it's working!

IG: Yes my child. The world sees me now as a shiny headed money hoarder who only exists to line the wallets of a rich American businessman but one day they will realise the truth. That I was sent here by our future selves to save humanity. To unburden us from the shackles of money which plagued our society and led to the great nuclear Armageddon of 2173.

BP: You are radiant beauty, pure and good.

IG: I hope that I can evoke a change, for all our sakes.



( a tear rolls down Ivan's cheek and after a brief second falls to the grass........a single daisy sprouts)