Handy Guide to: Blackburn Rovers FC

As I frantically scoured the interwebs trying to find out what the Hell the acronym “FAC4" meant, I was amazed to discover it refers to a fourth round of the FA Cup, wherein evidently the winners of Round 3 get to play another match against other winners from that round.

Never having heard of this footballing phenomenon, I researched it further and discovered we are due to play some minnow called “Blackburn Rovers FC" of Lancashire. Shaken by these revelations, more digging produced more facts about this little-known club which I list here for your education and enlightenment.

Here we are then:

"Blackburn Rovers FC" or ‘Blackburn Rovers’ for short, were formed in the city of Burnley in 1875, a full nine years before the birth of football.

Along with Villa and Everton, Blackburn Rovers have the distinction of being founder members of Derby County’s “Football League" in 1888 and of it’s illegitimate and morally bankrupt son “Premier League" in 1992.

Along with these two footballing firsts, Blackburn Rovers are also widely-acknowledged as being the first club to buy a league title when they purchased the Premier League in 1995. Shady Mafioso godfather Jack Walker ‘persuaded’ players to join his club with a combination of cash and fear, even coercing defender Chris Sutton into a striking role alongside Manchester United’s Alan Shearer, who went bald with all the stress.

Kenny Dalglish was manager at that time and, as reward for overseeing this reign of terror, became a ‘made man’ (Director of Football) and his daughter Kelly was released unharmed to become eye-candy on Sky Sports. Hurrah.

The current owners are V H Group, commonly referred to as ‘Venky’s’ by the media, and by many other unprintable names by Blackburn Rovers fans. Given that Venky’s are based in India, they have appointed Shebby Singh, renowned football expert and businessman, as their Global Advisor. No, I’m not making this up.

Blackburn Rovers’ current manager* is Michael Appleton. This is his third role so far this season, and is coincidentally also Blackburn Rovers’ third manager this term. Shebby advised he was the only candidate they wanted, perhaps because Appleton’s success record aligns so closely with their own, ie useless.
(*Correct at time of publication)

Blackburn Rovers hold the record for FA Cup undefeated run with 24 matches from 1884-1886, so it doesn’t really count. They have won/bought the cup on six occasions, the most recent being 1928 so, as official records begin 1946, they have never triumphed in the competition.

As if being the fore-runners of the “buy our way to the title" brigade wasn’t reason enough to despise the club, they also sold, yes sold, Robbie Savage to us in 2008 for £1,500,000. Robbie Savage!

Players at the club you may have heard of include Paul Robinson, failed England keeper, Derby-reject Jordan Rhodes (?) and comedic fall-overer David Dunn, who I understand is also Andy Reid’s body double in certain Forest publicity shots. Other than that, they’re all nobodies.

Steve Kean, renowned football tactician and Big Sam’s respected biographer, was unfairly hounded out of the club by ignorant Blackburn Rovers fans who simply could not comprehend his subtle mastery of the game, perhaps because they aren’t really from a football town. After Kean’s honourable resignation, former Manchester United defender Henning Berg popped in for nearly two months whilst Shebby scoured the corners of the globe to unearth present temporary coach Appleton, who was 30 minutes down the M55.

Famous fans of the club include Loony Leftie Jack Straw, the abolisher of immigration controls in the UK, un-funny man Lee Mack and mentalist ‘designer’ Wayne Hemingway... not a coherent thought between them.

Blackburn Rovers’ record aggregate-score league match was in 1890, a 5-8 drubbing doled out by the Mighty Rams

Blackburn Rovers and their footballing Idols, Preston North End, share a tradition of ‘Burying The Coffin’ whenever they get relegated. A coffin decorated in club colours is paraded through the nearby town of Bamber Bridge before being buried in the cellars of a club there, to be disinterred only upon subsequent promotion. Simple things amuse what now..?

That’s all the info the superhighwaynets has on Saturday’s oppo; please contribute any further factual facts below such that we may all be informed