Arsene gets annoyed at Dikk and Ivan

(Arsene, Ivan and Dikk [Law] are sitting in his office. Arsene is furiously pacing up and down the room, Ivan is sitting in the corner facing the wall, while Dikk reclines in his chair, his feet on Arsene's desk, holding a cigar in one hand and an ice lolly in the other.)

Arsene: I still can't believe we haven't signed anyone! This is absolutely awful!!

Dikk: Relax Arsene, it's all under control. We'll have your signings, don't you worry.

Arsene: That's exactly what Ivan said - and we all know what happened there!

(Arsene glares at the corner, where Ivan is still looking mournfully at the wall.)

Ivan: It wasn't my fault!!! I was...

Arsene: It was too your fault! I send you out to Germany to sign Lars Bender, the deal's all set up, £19m and he's ours, all you need to do is sign the contract and make it official... But NOOOOOOO!!! You decide to try and save us a few extra quid by doing a bit of last-minute haggling! I mean, £18.5m + Squillaci?? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR TINY BALD-HEADED MIND????

Ivan: But you said yourself you wanted to get rid of Squillaci...

Arsene: AND THEN YOU COME BACK WITH SOME YOUNG FRENCH PLAYER WITH A DUBIOUS INJURY RECORD AND EXPECT ME TO BE WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS???

(Arsene pauses.)

Arsene: Though I will admit, he does look good.

Ivan: See? I...

Arsene: AND THEN YOU BID TWICE THE AMOUNT YOU REFUSED TO PAY FOR BENDER ON MISTER DIVING CHEATING BITING RATBOY!!!

Ivan: But...

Arsene: WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!!!

Ivan: Arsene, I think...

Arsene: SILENCE!!

(Arsene slumps into his chair, and takes a long swig from his hipflask.)

Arsene: Now Dikk. Please tell me what went wrong with Higuain.

Dikk: Absolutely nothing Arsene. I'm just saving you some money, that's all.

Arsene: You see, I was under the impression he was ours for £25m, yet you refused to pay a penny over £24.7m.

Dikk: That's correct. But I'll have saved you a lot more by the end!

(Arsene buries his head in his hands. Suddenly 'Baby' by Justin Bieber starts blaring out of Dikk's pocket. Dikk grins sheepishly.)

Dikk: Ha, I don't know how that ringtone got on there... Ooh, it's Real Madrid!!

(Arsene sits bolt upright. Dikk meanwhile just holds the phone, letting it ring.)

Arsene: Well?? Are you going to answer it??

Dikk: It's all about pyschology, Arsene. Let them wait a bit...

(Dikk winks at Arsene, who is getting increasingly agitated.)

Arsene: ANSWER THE PHONE YOU DIMWITTED MORON!!!

(Dikk eventually answers it.)

Dikk: Hello, Dikk Law speaking... Ah, yes... yes, we're still interested in signing Higuain. Though Mr. Wenger is losing interest fast...

Arsene: What?!?!

(Dikk gestures to Arsene to calm down, and winks at him again.)

Arsene: And stop winking at me!

Dikk: What's that? He's ours for £24.7m?

(Arsene's eyes light up.)

Arsene: Do it! Do it! Do it!

(Dikk shields the phone.)

Dikk: Arsene, please. Negotiation is a tricky business. Now please, keep quiet will you?

Arsene: But he's ours for £24.7m!!!

Dikk: He's going to be ours for a lot less than that! You just watch!

(Arsene launches himself at Dikk, and shouts into the phone.)

Arsene: WE'LL TAKE HIM!! £25m!!! WE'LL TAKE HIM!!!

(Dikk punches Arsene and sends him sprawled across the floor. Dikk takes the phone.)

Dikk: Sorry, that was my dog, he gets a bit excited in the sun. Now, about that. I'm afraid our manager Arsene is a bit silly sometimes, and he managed to spend £2m on accessories and utilities and weapons for Angry Birds, all in one evening... Yes, I know... So anyway, that means we can't give you more than £22.7m.

(Arsene is picking himself up from the floor.)

Arsene: DIKK!! BUY HIM!! NOW!!!

(Dikk throws his ice lolly at Arsene and again signals for him to be quiet.)

Dikk: £24m? Sorry, no can do I'm afraid. Look, I'll do you £23m, and I'm robbing myself... £23.5m?? What kind of an idiot do you take me for??

(Dikk hangs up. Arsene looks mortified.)

Arsene: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO????

Dikk: Psychology Arsene, psychology. They'll phone back.

Arsene: YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT!!

Dikk: Arsene, he was...

Arsene: YOU GIGANTIC PLONKER-FACE!!!

Dikk: Arsene, calm down. They'll phone. Any minute now.

(Arsene once again collapses into his chair, and takes an even longer swig from his hipflask.)

Arsene: They'd better...

(Night has now fallen, and the three of them are still in the office. Arsene has changed into his tiger onesie, and has a black eye.)

Arsene: This is horrible!! You shouldn't have hung up!!

Dikk: Arsene, everything is under control. I...

(Arsene gasps in horror.)

Dikk: What?

(Arsene shows Dikk his phone. On the screen is the Real Madrid website, which reads 'Higuain signs for Napoli.' There is silence. And a very long pause.)

Dikk: I hear Wayne Rooney's looking for a new club...