Frode Kippe - Bunk Bed Politics

"I used to get a bit agitated having to sleep on the lower bed beneath Jonathan (Newby). Frequently I suffered this fate. Many a time I would discuss with Phillip (Thompson) and Gerard (Houllier) about some sort of room change. I was angered that this never happened for I was a good employee. I trained hard, I travelled well and never did I moan about not getting a place even on the bench. But each time they refused my request. Such was the nature of bunk bed politics.

Jonathan was a nice boy at times but his attitude was hopeless. He would travel to many of the away games even if he wasn't named in the squad, just as I did. The rest of the squad referred to us as the 'Saltwater Infants'. Endearing but objectionable I concluded. However, I did what the lads suggested and "took things on the chin" - whatever that means I shall never comprehend. Jonathan did not do this. He knew we wouldn't be required, he knew we were just there incase somebody got injured. He just loved to party. Oh how Jonathan did enjoy the girls, the drugs, the nightlife. He used to mock our hotel rooms. He called it the Rootbeer Aquarium.

He'd go out, get recklessly intoxicated and proceed to have relations with a female on the top bunk. The creaking kept me awake for hours. He was like a trojan. Just bouncing whilst smoking the pipe. I tried not to get involved but there were times when he'd return with two females most beautiful. I must confess to slamming the occasional hoe. I didn't do it for me. I did it for him. But of course I could never please these girls like he could. Not on the bottom bunk. I grew most resentful of Jonathan's antics and I was delighted when he departed. It was the happiest day of my footballing career.

The day after he left I spoke with Phillip and Gerard about my new roommate. "Stephen Wright," they replied. I shuddered. His hygiene, his pipe smoking, his interest in tandoori foreplay. I shuddered in a way seen very seldom. Bunk bed politics is a real and tragic problem."

Former Liverpool defender Frode Kippe recounts niche tales in his upcoming autobiography entitled 'Bunk Bed Politics', a revealing insight into the life of a player sharing his mind and soul with a low-life youth team player.