Steve Rowley

Hi, I'm Steve Rowley, Arsenal's chief scout. That's right I scout chiefs! Indian braves! Hahahaha, just kidding of course, they're known as indigenous Americans now, and rightly so. Oh and I don't scout them either. I just maintain an interest. What I actually do is scour the world looking for super quality players to bring to Arsenal. Squillaci wasn't my idea.

Oh hold on my phone's ringing. Hello? Oh hi Arsene! No I'm just chilling out, maxing, relaxing and cooling - you want me to do what? Go to Bolton to have a look at Cahill? Are you sure? You don't want me to go to Brazil perhaps, check out a young midfielder? Or Spain, I haven't been to Spain for a while...definitely Bolton then? Oh ok.

So here I am bombing up the motorway to Bolton. Blooming Bolton. Not the South of France, no. Not even an exciting trip to Africa. Bolton. Hmmph. Ooh my phone's ringing! This'll be Arsene telling me he was just kidding. I'll be off to Germany or Belgium at the very least. Somewhere that does nice beer, that'd be good. Prague! I haven't been there for a while. Oops better answer the phone.

Hi Arsene! What's that you don't want me to go to Bolton any more? I thought that might be the case. So where am I off to instead? Birmingham? Scott Dann? Now you're just taking the - no no Arsene, Birmingham it is. Yeah speak to you later. Love you too. Bye.

Birmingham? Sod that. I'll just go home and ring Arsene tomorrow and tell him Dann's not Arsenal quality. That's always worked before.