Arsene refuses to bid for Gustavo

(Wenger is in his office, frantically making sandwiches, then promptly throwing them out of the window. There is a knock on the door.)

Arsene: What's that knock doing on the door?

(Arsene walks over to the door to remove the knock.)

Arsene: Don't know how that got there.

(Arsene puts the knock in the bin, then returns to his desk. Suddenly Ivan parachutes in through the window.)

Arsene: Morning Ivan.

Ivan: Morning Arsene.

Arsene: SHUT UP!!!

(Ivan looks startled.)

Ivan: Everything ok?

(Arsene grunts, then viciously stabs the desk with his butter knife.)

Ivan: Arsene, you seem stressed...

Wenger: Me? Stressed? HOW VERY DARE YOU!!! I AM NOT STRESSED!!!!

(Arsene throws a sandwich at Ivan.)

Ivan: What's troubling you?

(Arsene slumps into his chair.)

Arsene: It's almost the start of the season and we've only made one signing. It's awful. Absolutely dreadful.

Ivan: Well, we could sign someone else?

(Arsene's eyes light up.)

Arsene: Yes! That's it! Ivan, you're a genius!

(Arsene pauses.)

Arsene: But who?

Ivan: Gustavo?

Wenger: Bless you.

Ivan: No, he's a midfielder. Plays for Bayern Munich.

Wenger: On right, well I guess we could put a bid in for him...

Ivan: And he's already stated he'd be interested in moving here.

Wenger: Has he? Interesting...

Ivan: So shall I contact Munich?

(Wenger looks thoughtfully at a jar of strawberry jam.)

Wenger: No... That's just what they'd be expecting!

Ivan: Uh...

Wenger: Yes, that'd be playing right into their hands! No, we just sit tight. In the meantime, go and get me more bread. And more jam.

Ivan: But Arsene, Gustavo...

Wenger: Bless you.

(Ivan's left eye twitches slightly.)

Ivan: He'd be a great signing, and we could get him for under £20m, which would be a good price for someone of his calibre...

Arsene: Ivan, Ivan, Ivan. You're young and naive.

Ivan: But Arsene...

Arsene: Now, bread and jam. Go.

(Ivan reluctantly leaves. As he opens the door, Mikel and Jack burst into the room.)

Mikel: Mr Wenger, Gustavo!

Wenger: Bless you.

(Mikel looks puzzled.)

Mikel: The player! Luis Gustavo! He...

Arsene: It's Luiz with a 'z', not an 's'.

Mikel: Oh.

(There is a pause.)

Mikel: Well, anyway, he wants to come here, we all want him here... so are you going to buy him?

(Arsene chuckles and pats Mikel on the head.)

Arsene: Oh, the impetuousness of youth!

Jack: But Arsey...

(Arsene looks sternly at Jack.)

Jack: Sorry, but Arsene, he'd be brilliant for the club!

(Arsene smiles at Jack, gives him a lollipop and ruffles his hair.)

Arsene: Jack Jack Jack, in this game, you have to always be one step ahead! I can't go putting in bids for every Tom, Richard and Harry that says he wants to join.

Jack: But we desperately need another midfielder!!

Arsene: Just trust me.

Mikel: But Arsene!!

Arsene: Silence! Bidding for Gustavo is what everyone expects me to do - but I only do the unexpected! Unexpected is my middle name!!

(Suddenly Arsene turns into a giant panda.)

Jack: CHEEEEEEESE!!!!

Mikel: Uh, what?

(Suddenly Arsene returns to being Arsene.)

Mikel: Well, I admit that was unexpected.

Arsene: Did someone shout out 'cheese'?

(Jack looks embarrassed.)

Jack: I think it was, um, Theo.

Arsene: Oh right.

(There is a long, awkward pause.)

Arsene: I like cheese.