Handy Guide to: Brentford FC

As I perused tinterwebs looking for ‘Before’ pictures of Cheryl Cole’s derriere, I was staggered to find we’re in something called the “second round" of the League Cup and, further to that bombshell, we’re due to play tonight against someone called ‘Brentford FC’.

Never having heard of this “second round" or of ‘Brentford FC’ I have trawled the superwebway to discover what I could of these phenomena and share the results below such that you may delight and educate your friends down at the pub.

Here we are then:

Brentford FC are the football club of Brentford, in that London Town. Incorporated in 1889, five years after the birth of football in a manger in Derby, by the members of Brentford Rowing Club to give its members something to do over the winter. It was a toss-up between football and rugby and, with rowers tending to come from the more cerebral elements of society, obviously egg-chasing lost out to the beautiful game.

Their nickname is ‘The Bees’ due to their name beginning with ‘B’ which kinda undermines my first observation.

Uwe Rösler is their present manager. You may remember him from his prolific spell as a striker for Manchester City from 94 to 98, where he played alongside Your Nige for a spell under Diddy Alan Ball. In the FA Cup 5th round Manchester derby, with City 2-1 down, Rams legend Georgi Kinkladze sprang the offside trap and substitute Rosler chipped the on-rushing Schmeichel before running to the dug-out to remonstrate with the beleaguered Ball. I wonder if he tolerates that kind of crap from his players today..?

Brentford play their home matches at Griffin Park, supposedly named for the pub on the corner of the ground where they used to change. Griffin Park is unique in having a pub on each corner of the ground, and The Griffin was used to film scenes for Green Street, where Elijah “Frodo" Wood convincingly portrayed a soccer hooligan.

Brentford are the only club to have won all of their home fixtures in a 42 game season. They completed this feat in 1929/30 in Division Three South but still missed out on promotion. Are you paying attention, Your Nige..?

The Thirties were Brentford’s best years, securing promotions that saw them finish 5th in their first season in the top flight in 35/36, and sixth in the following two seasons. And then the Germans got all feisty and we had to go slap them around a bit, much to Brentford’s chagrin.

After the war in a rather unfortunate coincidence, Brentford bombed. They suffered relegation upon relegation and in so doing became the first club to have played all 91 other league clubs. Kudos.

In recent times though, Brentford have bounced back somewhat and are the only club to have won the Fourth Division, Division Three and League Two, which are all actually the same thing, just a bit more glossy if you believe the Americanisation hype the FA have bestowed upon our sport.

Brentford might have been a Championship opponent if it hadn’t been for the lack of bottle of club captain Kevin O’Connor. O’Connor has played for Brentford since 1999, is fourth on their all-time appearances list and is their dead-ball specialist, however he allowed 19 year old loanee Marcello Trotta to take an injury-time penalty against Doncaster in their final match of the season. It was goalless at that point, Brentford needed the win to swap their third place for Donny’s second in the table and the penalty was blasted against the bar. To rub it in a bit, Donny broke away and scored themselves..

Famous Bees fans include telly boss and FA Chairman Greg Dy ke, stunt driver Dean Gaffney, the indisputably hottest bird on Sky Natalie Sawyer, music bloke Rick Wakeman and internet researcher Pete Townshend.

Brentford’s historic rivalries are with Fulham and QPR. QPR tried to buy the cash-strapped Bees in 1967 in order to close them down and take their stadium for themselves which, let’s face it, is always going to irritate fans of a stricken outfit.

Another club Brentford fans have little time for would be Celtic. At a pre-season friendly this season, Celtic fans invaded the pitch post-match and tried to snap the crossbars in addition to allegedly singing about Lee Rigby and Princess Diana; what a lovely bunch. A word to the wise, guys; invite Rangers, they’re much better fans

That’s all the supernets revealed on tonight’s fixture; let’s hope we win as I presume we get some kind of trophy for winning so many times in a Cup format.