@@Bjorn Tore Kvarme - The Elk Sausage@@

In January 1997 Liverpool swooped to sign highly-rated Norwegian defender Bjorn Tore Kvarme. The centre-back became a permanent fixture in the Liverpool side for the rest of the season but in his upcoming autobiography, 'The Elk Sausage Chronicles', he reveals that he never settled at Anfield due to differences with his team-mates.

'When I joined the club I felt immediately at home. The lads they seemed funny and nice people. They accepted my cultural differences and embraced them as their own. I introduced them to the wonders of the elk sausage. It's a classic dish back home. For my birthday they bought me a golden elk sausage and it was the best present I had ever received. It was shiny, golden and strong as a rock.

We used the golden elk sausage for dares and it was fun. Steve Harkness had to see how far he could throw it and Michael Thomas had to see how long he could hide it from the rest of the lads. For my dare they asked me how much of the golden elk sausage I could put into my mouth. It was a big golden elk sausage and I did well to get 4 inches down. The lads all laughed and I thought I was making friends. I didn't see why it was so funny but that was ok as I was fitting in.

A week or so later they challenged me to perform a 'ringpiece encroachment'. I placed the golden elk sausage into the ______ of my _______ and then maneuvered it into my ________ without it touching my ________. Once it was there I managed to twist my ________________ and my ________ to give it a bit more room. It was a bit uncomfortable at first but once it had slid through to my ________ I felt a lot calmer.

After several weeks, in which I had performed a 'duck and goose', a 'slippery sherlock' and a 'sherbet moose' I realised how much I ached and I was struggling in training. One day Ronnie Moran called me over in training.

"Bjorn lad come here for a minute," he said quietly, patting the seat next to him. "We need to have a little chat."

I sat down tentatively, wondering what he was going to say.

"That golden elk sausage you've been carrying around with you. It's not a golden elk sausage. It's a golden stainless steel enforced díldo. You daft Norwegian príck."

Things turned more nasty and hostile after that. During a team-building trip I was with a group of the lads at the top of a high-ropes construction and had to perform the leap of faith. I was so scared to jump. As I turned around to walk away I was confronted by Steve Harkness.

"If you don't jump you little fúckin príck then I'll shove this fúckin elk sausage up your ________."

I shuddered at the very thought. So did I jump? Well yes I admit I did at first.'



Disclaimer: mans got it in the inbox so just positing for the ja606 man dem.