Handy Guide to: Uruguay FC

Perusing the tv pages for the latest exploits in the Big Brother house, I was staggered and amazed to find that England are due to play some team called ‘Uruguay’ tonight in a competitive Soccer World Cup match.

Never having heard of this footballing minnow, I have scoured tinternets to discover what I could of this unknown unknown of South America and compiled them here in this handy guide that you may print out so that you may impress and inform your mates down at the pub:

Here we are then:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNIYob8nC7o

The Oriental Republic of Uruguay is bordered by Brazil to the North and those bloody Argies who want to steal our islands to the West, with the rest being lovely beaches along the Atlantic.

Uruguay takes it’s name from the river of that name, which translated from Guarani means ‘River of Painted Ladies’. It’s thought that the tramp stamps of the Scouse women is what convinced buck-toothed racist cheater Luis Suarez to sign for Liverpool FC in 2010.

Luis Suarez is a buck-toothed racist cheater but, most importantly, is a really nice bloke off the pitch according to his club manager, the plastic-toothed lothario Brendan Rodgers.

Uruguay is the second smallest country of the South American continent after Suriname and has a population of only 3.3m, the smallest ever country to have won a World Cup.

Uruguay have in fact won the World Cup twice: the inaugural one in 1930 in their own country, and again in 1950 when they beat Brazil in the final in Brazil. They were awarded the first World Cup honour by FIFA President Jules Rimet as they were the reigning two-time Olympic champions and to celebrate their centenary of independence; it couldn't be bought back then.

91% of the population is white and thinks it’s okay to refer to black people as Negros, according to the recent poll conducted by asking buck-toothed racist cheater Luis Suarez and Gus Poyet.

The first International football match held outside of Britain was contested by Uruguay and Argentina in the Uruguayan capital of Montevideo in 1902. The game was introduced to the region by British sailors in the late 19th century.

Montevideo is home to 1.8m of the population and is the most advanced seaport in South America.

At the 2010 World Cup held in the corruption-free paradise of South Africa, Manchester United legend Diego Forlan was voted Golden Ball winner ahead of some other players, none of whom were English.

Luis Suarez, buck-toothed racist cheater, was not voted Golden Ball winner despite cheating Ghana out of their rightful place in the semi-final. In the last minute of extra time, Suarez deliberately handled a goal-bound shot on the line and was red carded for his trouble. Asomoah Gyan then missed the resulting penalty leaving the shell-shocked Ghanaians to be rolled over 4-2 in the ensuing penalty shoot-out. Thankfully, the Dutch thugs beat the cheats in the semi to prevent Suarez getting a crack at the final.

Britain owned Uruguay once, from February to September 1807, and we’ll own them again this evening.

Luis Suarez, buck-toothed racist cheater, has achieved the following since his disgraceful World Cup 2010 cheating:
• November 2010: Whilst playing for Ajax, he bit PSV’s Otman Bakkal and was banned for 7 matches.
• October 2011: he racially abused Patrice Evra during a 1-1 draw between Liverpool and Manchester United
• December 2011: Flipped the bird at Fulham fans and was suspended.
• February 2012: Refused handshake with Evra in return fixture, again bringing the game into disrepute despite the backing of Kop legend Kenny Dalglish, who seemed to think that sort of behaviour was fine.
• April 2013: Suarez bit Branislav Ivanovic during a 2-2 draw at Anfield, but he did say sorry afterward, when it became apparent he’d been spotted doing so.

That’s all the information the superwebnets has on tonight’s oppo; please share any further tidbits you may have gleaned in the course of your sorry lives below.