Friday - Joke Day

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman

Being chased by a violent mob. They run across a country field and alongside a river, they find a big barn to hide in. Inside the barn are 3 empty sacks. They each decide to hide in a sack.

The violent mob enter the barn and search it, finding only 3 bulging sacks. The Englishman hears them approach his sack so panics and imitates a cat. 'Miaow, miaow' he goes. The leader of the violent mob says 'its just a bunch of cats. Throw them in the river.' His henchmen throw the Englishman into the river where he drowns.

The violent mob then approach the Scotsman. After hearing what happened to the Englishman, he decides not to imitate a cat, but instead imitates a dog. 'Woof, woof' he goes. 'Its just a dog, throw it into the river', the leader says. The henchmen throw the sack into the river and the Scotsman drowns.

The Irishman is really frightened now. The mob approach his sack and he knows if he imitates a dog or a cat he will be thrown into the river. He says nothing at first. The leader then kicks the sack, and the Irishman shouts out 'Potatoes!'

Jackie Chan starts work on a building site, he turns up on the first day & his foreman says "Jackie, run over there & sort out some supplies for us" Jackie runs off. An hour later he still hadn't returned so the foreman went looking for him. He was searching everywhere but Jackie was nowhere to be seen, all of a sudden Jackie jumps out from a pile of sand & shouts "SURPLIES!!!"

Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

A kangaroo is an Australian animal and a kangaroot is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Comment Deleted by Site Moderator

went to the gym & asked if they could teach me to do the splits...

they said how flexible are you





I said I couldn't do tuesdays

comment by Sheriff JW Pepper (U1007)
posted 32 minutes ago
went to the gym & asked if they could teach me to do the splits...

they said how flexible are you





I said I couldn't do tuesdays
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Tim Vine?

comment by BruceandPally (U8201)
posted 53 seconds ago
comment by Sheriff JW Pepper (U1007)
posted 32 minutes ago
went to the gym & asked if they could teach me to do the splits...

they said how flexible are you





I said I couldn't do tuesdays
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Vine?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think they all are...

this one is Bob Monkhouses

When I was younger I told my family I wanted to be a comedian....& they all laughed




well...they're not laughing now

Tommy Cooper one

Helped the wife clear out the attic the other day....


dirty dusty & covered in cobwebs...but she's good with the kids

I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid p_enis.
I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.

The Pope, mother Teresa and gandhi are on a plane when the engines fail, the pilot announces this over the tannoy and bails out.

They notice there are only 2 parachutes and so they have to quickly decide which one of them will stay on the plane and die.

The Pope insists mother Teresa be saved as she is a lady and its the right thing to do, she thanks the Pope and jumps out the plane.

Gandhi then says to the Pope "so which one of us will stay on the plane and die?"

The Pope replies "don't worry, we will both be fine I gave that silly bint a rucksack"