Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

Jose Mourinho will drop Cahill for Zouma next season and start with only one Englishman.

He talks about his love for our country and what's morally acceptable and on the dawn of a new era of English football with Kane, Sterling, Sturridge (ironic), Barkley, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Henderson and Hart soon to be amongst the best players in Europe he puts his faith in Johnny Foreigner.

You will tell us about Baker. You will talk about Rubén-Cheek. You will tell us Rob Green is coming to sit on your bench. I will show you thousands of English players that have played more matches in the Championship than them at their age and are more experienced for it.

If this wasn't interesting enough, you're buying a striker from Japan who no Chelsea fan had heard of. He's arriving to take the place of an English player you've had at your academy since they were six years old. This means, in turn, you will flog a few thousand shirts that you will sell at an overpriced rate that will sell like Sushi. Then in 9 months time you'll be swapping that home shirt for another blue one with a different stripe on it.

So enjoy buying the most expensive season tickets in Europe to watch a team of players with European passports.

I will probably be watching championship football, less quality but just as exciting...and be thrilled to not be apart of the disease that is the premier greed league. I will watch you on Sky Sports alongside your young fans north of Watford who will one day pay their first visit to Stamford Bridge. You will charge them £20 to tour your stadium to see the trophies Johnny and his mates have won. It's that second trophy that made your season 'good'. One trophy is just an ok season these days and Mourinho would tell them to be embarrassed.

I will probably be watching some of your 40 non-starting professionals from your club that you loan around the world and some may play in the championship. You will be proud of players like Bamford because he will give you a spark of potential as you watch 38 year old Didier Drogba lace his boots up. Bamford won't be playing though because young Muto has his squad number and he sells shirts with the Sushi in a country 10,000 miles away.

I will look forward to you pretending to be the font of all knowledge about these players every time I come on here even though you'll have never seen them before. Some of you will be too busy telling Arsenal fans that a Spanish Brazilian who stamps on people is better than Giroud to even notice.

Good luck in the Champions League too. I will look forward to hoping the delightful role model John Terry wins it for England so us neutral champions league viewers can become teary and proud that English football is back again. I'm sure your fans will enjoy this, particularly the ones with Bulldogs tattooed on their arms and George Crosses on their legs as they sing songs about their heroes from the Ivory Coast and Serbia.

...I just hope one of your players doesn't win that evil Ballon D'Or...

Your Portuguese eye-gauging manager tells me it's ruining football. We wouldn't want that.


Yours faithfully in neutral European action,

Pundit