Phil Gartside's diary of secrets & wonder

Yippee it's the first day back for everyone and having people about the place again is just like the coming of a brand new summers day. Which it is. I got to thinking that the training ground may be a bit roomy so I sorted a deal out with a gentlemen's outfitters to loan some dummies to keep the numbers up. Also there were a couple of lads we didn't tell anyone about as we wanted to keep things a surprise.

Anyway with the bulk of the morning's work already done - as I'd got over-excited and got up really, really early this morning - I kick back on my chair and get loan Doris, younger version from Man City academy tea room, to get me a nice cup of that new fangled health tea made of bits of wicker and raffia. She comes in with that within minutes with a couple of club biscuits thrown in. She'll do for me.

A couple of hours later I get a call from Lenny, (my nickname for Neil not that grumpy assistant Dougo had), seems that one of the dummies had marked Emile Heskey out of one of the training games and could we look into purchasing it permanently like. I immediately put the feelers out but my hopes are dashed when I'm told they cost a good £100 for the almost realistic ones they sent. I try and ush him down in the manner that got me bargaining business mind of the year 1984. Sadly I'm dealing with a proper pro here and the dummies must go back.

Saddened, I ring Big Sam as his walrus type tones normally acts like soothing pan pipes and whale music. Unfortunately he is busy scaling an ironing pile the size of the north face of the Eiger - Mrs A looks to be cracking the whip whilst he's off football. I leave it as the last time he did the Ironing there was a major traffic incident after he'd chucked his iron and ironing board into the nearest major roadway after a particularly tricky set of y-fronts.

The day is nearly up and so I get down to the end of month chairman stuff. There's also the annual meeting of the North West's Champo Chairman society that I'm hosting. There are some right picky beggars in that particular gathering so I've got the old work cut out. Thankfully all the players paperwork I need to do for the coming season doesn't really have to be done till Wednesday so organising a paperweight that looks like former TV commentator Gerald Sinstadt takes priority.

Oh whilst I remember I've won us a couple of other new sponsorship deals. Yes, yes, there's the main sponsor but that's nothing to the beaut that is Quentin's curious world of bob hats sponsoring our new kit wagon. Or the new tea urn sponsor, a whole £5.60 per season from Percy's Perfect Peach Emporium.