Gartside's loins girded for season.

In association with Scambo's Dodgy marketing co. For all your knock off needs in and around the Bolton Area.

It's Wednesday and I'm dead excited about Saturday afternoon coming about and the Football being back - mainly because I've missed the pre-match whiff in the Chairman suite which is an intoxicating mix of uncle Joe's mint balls, paraffin and hair lacquer and also due to the new money making schemes I've plotted over the summer to bleed the public dry with. Unfortunately the hiring unused players out to give out piggy back rides to the kids for a £5 fee has fallen at the first hurdle as there's not enough players to fill the quota we're expecting - plus on the dry run during the family fun day one of the bigger boned kids nearly broke Andy Kellett's back.

Anyway I've just finished some top class negotiations with a few "high pedigree" companies abroad to get in some much needed revenue. Up for grabs is the highly prized Car Park sponsor - we had to turn down new car hire company "Big Franks Rentals ltd" after they pretty much admitted they were going to rent out any car that parked there. Liverpool based company "We take any car dot com" was also ruled out. We have however, finalised a deal with Mongolian drinks company Yakspiss to roll out their tasty product across the stadium.

Pleased with myself I ring Big Sam as I'm in the mood to gloat a bit. Sadly he is busy making a robotic version of the late Cilla Black as he was sure a RoboCilla could fill the massive void in light entertainment like. I leave it as when Big Sam builds a robotic dead celebrity he gets very tetchy.

Oh whilst I'm here I've managed to locate my fax which was in my other trousers which announced that we've signed 3 players on. There was going to be another 2 announcements but there was washing machine damage to the other fax and that was not salvageable.

Right the afternoon is just beginning so I get ready for my tea and cake - the cake courtesy of new boardroom cake sponsors slamkakaskit - the Swedish cake company. Doris' temporary replacement is still doing a sterling job but I'm still resisting her kind offer of all over Estonian twig massage.