££££Uncle Phil's rich as rich can be £££

Wooo what a polava that was. We had a couple of clubs fighting over Timbo Ream this week and I had to put my full concentration on negotiations to get the bestist deal for me, sorry the club.

It was the first offer that I put my award winning negotiation skills, (I successfully negotiated 2nd place on a Butlins knobbly knees contest in 1975), to the ultimate test by discovering the insulting offer of £1million, half a packet of biscuits and an "expensive Parker pen" - I donned my jeweler's eyepiece at the faxed offer and discovered that the so called expensive pen was in fact one of those free jobbers Michael Parkinson chucks away in his scam life insurance advert. I've already got 12 of those anyway - (loophole in the advertising but that's a diary entry in itself).

I fax my reply by photocopying my testes and sending that alongside the now legendary words "more money please". They respond by upping the offer to a £1 mil, a full pack of biscuits and a 1978 Roy of the Rovers annual. I do know the annual is a good £200,000 worth but it's still not enough even though I recon I can get a good £350,000 from re-sale. Another photocopied bodily part with "MORE" on later and they ring to say they'll be thinking about a better payment plan.

Satisfied with my morning's work I ring Big Sam. Sadly he is busy putting the finishing touches to a new Musical about The Bash Street Kids. I know that the Big man gets all antsy when penning songs and he's at a troublesome stage rhyming the line "the teacher has a shiny bonce". So I leave it there and have myself a lovely relaxing cup of herbal courtesy of Doris, who is back from her operation, some god awful procedure I didn't listen about when she mentioned it and no doubt will again on many occasions to come.

After finishing my brew and complementary shortbread biscuits, (money coming soon may as well splash the cash whilst we can). I am pleased to see a fax from another club asking about Timbo. I say no dice as it's not as good as the offer from QPR - for a start it's just cash and not enough at that. I do know they won't be back as they don't like my rejection methods over Fulham way.

I call Timbo up to the office as I've now received a respectable offer from QPR which I've said yes to. He says he's willing to stay but I say, "Tim lad you are needed there and we need the money and the selection of matching cutlery, posh china cups and plates we'll be getting." I see a look of dismay which I think is because he'll be missing out on posh china stuff. "Don't worry Tim", I reassure, "They've got better replacement china cups! Now go and sign!"

What nobody knows is that QPR threw in 3 magic beans to sweeten the deal and those who know fairy stories will tell you this leads to giant treasure which would be fantastic for the club. Now I just have to choose which car park I'm going to have to plant them in.