@@Haukar Gudnason - The Yellow Submarine@@

"I still remember when Jorgen Nielsen was getting tugged off Danish style by a meat packer of a hooker in the changing rooms. I must admit walking in on an oversized Danish man being pulled into that crucial grand finale was beyond awkward. He stood there and stared me deep in the eyes as she took him over the hill. I told Roy Evans about it. He told me it was just hi-jinx.

I then remember the Robbie Fowler vs Razor Ruddock shenanigans. I've never in my life seen so much misdirected semęn. Again I told Roy. The answer? It was just hi-jinx.

And then there was an occasion when I saw Mark Wright literally brim riddling two hookers in a double barrage with Mark Kennedy riding shotgun. I spoke to Roy and once again he told me it was more hi jinx. And then word got out that I had been snitching.

It just escalated from there. Steve Harkness cranked out a sidewinder of a tūrd into my Reebok classics. He really was a vulgar man, he was disgusting and I disliked him in so many ways. I also strongly disliked Dominic Matteo and some of the other members of the dressing room with whom they aligned themselves with.

After matches these people used to urinate in bulk in the bathtub. 3 part water, 1 part urine. They would store it up. Dom once had to go to hospital with a bladder problem after attempting a 3-day storage approach. The urination in the tub wasn't the worst bit. They would pull me in and push my head under the water for as much as 30 seconds, allowing the textures to marinate with my skin. They laughed. They referred to this routine as the 'Yellow Submarine' or the 'Salt Dunk'. It made me unwell and I have since developed a strong distaste for pineapple soda.

Senior management had failed me so I approached middle management and made an official complaint but that only made it worse. Doug Livermore bundled me into the changing room and introduced me to a 'Span Hammer'. I was ill for months. They used to call me Haukar Gudurine. They were a gruesome bunch. One day I snapped and tried to get my own back. I whipped it out while the others were training and went loose on Steve's sandwich and water bottles. I sat at lunch just waiting for the moment. Waiting to see him throw up when he tasted it. At last he'd know.

He pulled out his lunch and I watched in amazement. He guzzled it all down. Even the water. Then it got even worse. "Doug where did we get this water?" he asked. "Can you order me some more mate. Cheers lad."

I was astonished. He was immune."


Haukar Inge Gudnason recounts niche urine, tūrd and semęn tales in his upcoming and much delayed autobiography entitled 'The Yellow Submarine'.

This seminal release will be published by Puffin in association with the Liverpool Fusion Project.