A note from the 95% Chairman

Evenin' All, Ken here.

I finally got round to completing my dream of purchasing a full football club in the Bolton area with potential car parking additions and it's own hotel complex, (by the way pop down and spend all your money on the things going on down there).

I started the week still in negotiations with the marble company to purchase the rest of the shares for a better price. I also made the joke about losing my marbles when they put their first offer on the table. They didn't laugh.

Upon completing the deal I decided to celebrate with a strong cafe machianatio schiappioninio, (a new coffee from Italy apparently which all the cool kids are having now), sadly old Doris only knows tea white one and so that'll have to do. Although this one tastes strangely of apple.

Anyhow there is no real time for celebrating anyways as it was "tranny deadline day". Now any other regime would allow jokes about men dressing as women or the other way round but I'm a progressive Chairman and in touch with the feelings of all so I ban the staff from doing this unless they do it anyway and get on with looking for players willing, too rich to care, or stupid enough to accept our wage structure.

Whilst my lad is sorting this out I get on to the football league to wrangle a couple of extra squad spaces with the excuse that Josh Vela has been taken by aliens and may technically return to the team as an extra terrestrial and thusly no longer eligible as a human squad member. Happily they accept this excuse and I'm able to sign Craig Noooooooooone, (as he will become known I'm sure), as apposed to no one which is the joke everyone was after.

I do get knocked back by everyone's favourite Korean. I mean he wanted to invest in the club but was busy with some missile stuff. Oh and I try and get Chungy back on loan. However, he said he couldn't as he'd rung Big Sam for advice but he was busy teaching dogs to walk backwards through small hoops. I've never understood the attraction of ringing an ex Bolton manager for advice myself.

Once deadline day is over I decide that I'm no longer needed in the Chairman's office full time and tidy up to leave for a bit. I spot a few dusty diaries left over and I take them home to read properly. There may be some good ideas to bring the club up to where they should be.

Meanwhile don't forget to bob down the club shop and buy as much stuff as you can fit in the most expensive bag we have. Then spend the night in the hotel even though you only live a few miles away. It'll be a treat and you never know we may be able to get a midfielder in or something.

Cheers Easy,

Ken.