Stress & Pie

GAME 16: FOREST 4 QUEENS PARK LADIES 0

7 THINGS WE LEARNED blah

1. This match confirmed that Forest start slowly on purpose. Whether it is to give the defence a feel for the ball, or to concede an early goal to snap the team into life, or whether it is part of some devious long term plan involving Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, is not clear. What is clear is that Forest made every effort to go behind to attempts from Bidwell and Luongo in the early stages, but were unsuccessful. After this early failure, Forest succeeded in tearing the Ladies to shreds.

2. The Ladies' silly kit is designed as camouflage, rather like the dazzle painting on World War One ships which was used to break up the craft's outline and confuse the enemy. In the Ladies' case, their dazzle kit hides the fact that, underneath the hoops, there is virtually nothing of any real substance. This is why, after a while, it appeared that Forest were playing against a line of washing.

3. Baby Walker hasn't half come on in the past few months. His first goal, in the thirteenth minute, was ice cool in its execution. Later, when he muffed a shot weakly wide, we were concerned that his confidence and determination might drop, but the fantastic, acutely angled blast into the top of the net for his second and Forest's fourth stuffed our fears firmly back where they came from. He played throughout like a man with everything to prove. We just wish he would smile more. He has a lovely smile.

4. When every Forest player did so well, it seems unnecessary to choose a man of the match, but if we had to, we would choose Mancienne, for delivering a masterclass in the defensive arts. Or perhaps McKay, both for his goal and his persistent shafting of the Ladies' defence. Or Dowell, for his neat goal and imaginative contribution throughout. Or Baby Walker for his goal heroics. Or Bridcutt for his steely covering after a wobbly start. Or Benny, for being able to play in any position on God's good earth and make a good job of it. Or Traore, for winding up the Ladies' fans something rotten. Or Worrall, for his growing composure. Or the mighty Lichaj, just for being there. Or Smith, for keeping a clean sheet. Or even Murphy, for no reason whatsoever.

5. Hologram was surprised his side got beaten so badly because he's "done so well at Forest in the past", and hoped a little of his magic dust would rub off on his players. Sadly, "Ollie's" magic dust faded long ago with his homespun image and queasy stories about how his grandad used to beat horses with a stick or some such nonsense. Now he's just a music hall has-been of a manager who looks like Nosferatu and works for a broke club.

6. It was a biggish crowd again, but this turned out to be annoying because every time Forest attacked the biggish crowd stood up in anticipation of a goal, which, because of the nature of the match, meant that the biggish crowd was standing an awful lot, thus preventing little people from seeing. People need to show more consideration and self discipline. Perhaps the PA bloke could tell everybody to sit dahn all the time. Not that anybody understands anything he says in the first place. Bah.

7. There's something about Forest fans (perhaps all football fans) which prevents them fully enjoying the best of times. Even before the end of this wonderful exhibition, doubts and questions were rising to the surface like dead fish : It was only QPR ... Now we'll go and blow it against Brum ... Dowell will be back at Everton soon ... You know the kind of stuff. As old Uncle Boff used to say: "Forget the past, enjoy the present, and drown the future with whisky."

http://www.stressandpie.co.uk/