Crusaders v Dundee United

Important Information for Ivan and the Dundee United Crew.

Ahead of the biggest game in Scotland this weekend and as promised everything you need to know about the upcoming and fearsome Opponents.

CRUSADERS FC – The Lowlife… Sorry, The Lowdown, which would come with a Government Health warning if we had a Government.

HISTORY
Crusaders Football Club (The Crues for short) are a part time Irish League Football club who unfortunately hail from my neck of the Woods, North Belfast.
It is a little known fact that the Club is actually the oldest in the World, having been formed by a group of ex- Soldiers returning from Action in the Middle East, many moons ago – Hence the Name.
Early days were spent touring Europe and beyond, famously led by their legendary Chairman Arthur King, hunting down Opposition and thrashing them without mercy.

Some rare footage taken from an early tour (and courtesy of the Crusaders archive) shows the commitment and the bravery of these Players back in the day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmInkxbvlCs

All their early success ended abruptly in the 1800’s when after much deliberation the FA changed the Law and introduced the Ball onto the Playing Field. How they struggled with this new concept. Trophies dried up, Tours became a thing of the past and the club went into steady decline.

Their fearsome reputation was kept hidden away for many years, but “surfaced" again during the Iraqi war when the Coalition forces named their most deadliest Missile in honour of this war machine/ Football Club.

Crusaders have been Irish League Champions on only 6 occasions, but have enjoyed some rare success over the last few seasons. 2 league wins in a row and 10 points ahead last Christmas prompted their Superstore to print several thousand “3-in- a- row" metal badges. Ask their Supporters how that worked out (slap-it-right-up-their-holes-smiley)

This song was actually written in their honour celebrating one controversial and action packed Tour and is played each time they enter the Cauldron of their home Arena..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCkNu9OxThc

THE TEAM
Crusaders are a tough club, some might say Evil, Nasty and Vicious, Most would say worse.
They have a fearsome reputation, are nicknamed “The Hatchetmen" and their motto roughly translated from ancient Hebrew is “Kill all opponents unmercifully, especially if they play in Tangerine". Strange Motto, but there you go.

To play for them you do need to have a certain mentality. Prison sentence is not mandatory, but is preferred. Anyone who has 2 ears is a cissy. Red cards are a badge of honour. Full Backs are coached to launch opposition wingers over the 3ft wall that surrounds the Pitch. Centre Backs are basically trained assassins. The midfield hunt in Packs (as they are often chained together) and the Centre Forward sharpens his elbows with a Swiss Hunting knife. And don’t start me on the Goalkeeper, Head Butt Harry the one eyed Preacher.

Their policy of having a Signing-On Day is a unique experience and is open to all (who dare) A recent BBC documentary will give opposition supporters a better insight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hshbq4_OySI

SUPPORTERS
Not many. I know both of them.

When they kick off on a drunken rampage (which is the norm) just drop my name into the conversation. If that fails you must inform CSI Dundee not to use Taser Guns to stun them. It makes both of them really angry.

Sometimes they bring a third supporter. Karl Frampton. World Boxing Champion … Typical, always involved in violence.

Just make sure Dundee Royal Infirmary is on full alert and you should be fine.
A friendly warning though……. Don’t play the Kids, as the trauma may affect them for the rest of their lives. And tell your players not to wear Tangerine, or to fight back when war breaks out.. It just makes them angry.

One small tip from me... Play the ball on the ground and that will confuse them.

Prediction
Dundee United 1 (0 red cards, 3 hospitalised + 2 wingers & the goalscorer disappeared)
Crusaders 3 (3 red cards and 1 seeking asylum)

Arrests : 2

Good luck my Scottish friends !!