Stress & Pie (the Hood!!!)

Who's that guy, Stress?

That, my obese chum, is The Hood.

You mean like Robin Hood? Or Marvel Comic's supervillain The Hood?

No, not like any of those people of whom I've never heard. This is Forest's brand new superhero, The Hood.

Forest have a superhero?

They do now, my portly pal. All the other Championship clubs have a superhero, so why shouldn't Forest?

That's a new one on me, Stress. Who are these superheroes of whom I've never heard?

You've never heard of Thug Boy from Mewo? Or Doctor Dour from Miserablebugger?

Can't say that I have.

How about Captain Zombie from Sheffield Undead? Or Ramrod from the Sheep?

You're just making these up, aren't you?

Never, Mister Pie. For too long Forest have struggled without a superhero, and now they have one. The Hood. Neat, eh?

Not really. Tell me, my young idiot friend, what superpowers does the superhero The Hood possess?

He wears a hood.

Yes.

Well, his powers are not those associated with your communal garden superhero type.

Common or garden.

Exactly. His powers are more subtle.

Such as?

Well, his greatest power is the ability to confuse men's minds. Just when you think you've got to grips with him, you find yourself clutching at shadows.

I see. That must be kind of frustrating.

Oh it is, Pie. He's certainly not your regular kind of superhero at all. Sometimes he can drive you nuts. One week he can perform like a god, the next he's blundering around like a f***ing idiot. Captain Consistency he's not.

Well, at least he's not boring.

Sometimes I wish he was, Pie. I mean, look at Superman. He always turns up when he's supposed to, he always goes through the same standard procedures you've come to expect of him, he always ends up winning by speed or strength. He never lets you down. The Hood, on the other hand, turns up when least expected, exhibits a pattern of behaviour which is at best random, and ends up winning or losing on the toss of a coin. Sometimes you adore him, sometimes you want to throttle him.

He doesn't sound much of a hero, Stress. Surely he's got some physical attributes which make him special. For example, he looks like a big guy.

Not really. He's about five foot seven.

But he must move with some speed.

Occasionally, but much of the time he can be maddeningly indulgent. "Finish it, Hood!" you find yourself saying, but he's wandered off down some shabby side street and lost all focus.

So when does the next edition of The Hood come out?

Tuesday. It's billed as a titanic struggle between The Hood and Birdman, the Norridge bloke.

Well, perhaps The Hood will zap his opponent with those laser eyes of his.

Laser eyes?

Yes - those are laser eyes in the picture, aren't they?

Oh no. The Hood was blinded in an accident involving hot soup, so he had his eyes replaced by led lights. They look cool, but are of limited practical use.

We're going to lose again, aren't we?

Probably, but then again...