A new year message from his highness

Evenin' all. Ken here,

Well after the pavlova that was Christmas I'm happy to say we've reached new year out of the relegation places and up the now extended Mini League with our run of form. The manager has already come to me and asked me about getting some new faces in for the squad. As a result I've sanctioned the plastic surgery of Dorian Dervite, Derik, and some ginger bloke who I think is a winger.

I arrive back in the country dismayed after receiving the quote from the renowned plastic surgeon. Instead it seems I'm better off selling them rather than passing them off as new shiny players. Which in my experience only really works for a few weeks anyway.

Reluctantly me and my trusty transfer team head into a meeting for a conflab about real actual transfer targets - to show we mean business there's one of those pinboards with pictures of footballers with string coming from them like on the detective shows. I don't know what the string is representing but it looks really striking and businesslike.

We've got the FA Cup coming up this weekend which, as I'm contractually obliged to say, is a magical time of the year. In the spirit of the club I've organised the club staff to come in to work dressed as their favourite club cup upset. 4 people came as the "white hot" photo - 3 of them were the same costume. Much kudos to the bloke who had 2 figures made from bubble wrap and tape next to him. Sadly Darren didn't quite get the jist and came as the FA Cup itself with lid and everything.

Whilst I'm here I implore you to bob into the club shop and buy our new year's exclusive "King Ken says Cheers Easy" t-shirts for only £23. It's a must have mainly due to the 25 minutes it took to pose for the etching that's on the front of it. There's also the matching mug that's made of the finest porcelight* for only £10. We'll do a deal for those as well. 2 for £33.

Anyway must be off - I've just received word that Neymar is available to get in on loan. Oh scratch that - I've misheard our Scottish scout - there's actually no more loan targets available.

Cheers Easy,

Ken.







*porcelain substitute (half the price for a quarter of the quality).