Friday thread: skyfairy shootout.

choosing a religion in the modern world is tough. There’s so much choice. Here’s a short guide in deciding which deity is the correct one for you;

Jesus: virgin born (not you Branson) son of god, who sacrificed himself for the people. A stand up guy.
Powers: resurrection he can come back from the dead, healing powers, can walk on water, can turn water into wine, good carpenter.
Weakness: Romans, spears, crosses, choir boys.

Ganesh: the elephant god. Remover and placer of obstacles. Ganesh decides whether to help or to test you. We’ll call him Ganesh the examiner. He’d also be the god of choice to road workers, as they love putting obstacles on every road to slow you down and test your patience.
Powers: able to remove obstacles from your path, and also able to place obstacles in your path. Yoga master, can attain higher consciousness. Reincarnation, fancy being a duck billed platypus next time round? Ganesh is your deity.
Weakness: mice, elephants don’t like them. And rich American Big game hunters (also known as dentists).

Budha: the ultimate chilled out dude. Cycle of life, suffering, awakening, rebirth. Known to us as work, but not to roadworkers, as that’s known as sitting in your van reading the sun.
Powers: zen powered, there’s nothing that can bring this guy down. Able to perform great feats by channeling zen throughout body,. Able to travel through multiple paths in higher consciousness. Think dr strange, but chubbier and bald, and more chilled out.
Weaknesses: modern life. Constantly ringing Phones and road workers coning off 45 miles of highway and b*ggering off for no reason, test even the great zen of budha.

Tom cruize: god of Hollywood, putang and an odd religion about aliens or something. Pretty cool guy, even with that annoying grin.
Powers: mind control, manipulation, able to seduce young pretty girls then allegedly lock them up.
Weaknesses: divorce. Tall people.

Mormon (Joseph Smith): really cool religion where you get to marry as many chicks as possible. No limits.
Powers: make it up as you go along. Tired of one wife? Let’s change that. Tired of no money? Let’s change that. All you need is a visit from an angel that has given you an tablet of these instructions that only YOU can read! And guess what? It says I can have 20 wives, plus you all have to give me money! Hey..that’s what it says! If you don’t believe me read it yourself..what..oh you can’t! Oh well!
Weakness: own worshippers. Always a chance they might see through this racket and shoot you.

Flying Spaghetti Monster: he of his many noodly appendages is s newcomer to the scene. Recognised in New Zealand not so much elsewhere. Clever skyfairy who has proven the global warming is caused by pirates. https://sparrowism.soc.srcf.net/home/pirates.html
Powers: the pastafarian god, relies on intelligent argument to prove theories. Created the universe after ‘drinking heavily’. Has own hell and heaven concepts ‘heaven is a place of beer and strippers’ hell is the same except the beers stale and the strippers have std’s.
Weaknesses: Italians. The monster fears Italian chefs above all others.


Which is for you?

(Disclaimer: just a bit of daft nonsense, no insult meant as this a work of complete nonsense.)