Better than Kasper

comment by Jobyfox (U4183)
posted 14 seconds ago
Not technical jokes as such, but maybe intellectual:

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A banana

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says: "I've lost my electron."
The other says: "Are you sure?"
The first replies: "Yes, I'm positive..."





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Very good Joby!!

What does a theological, insomniac dyslexic do at night?
He lies awake thinking: “Is there a dog?

I’m here all day!

A ladybird walks into a bar and sees his friend, a beetle, sitting alone.

"Good day?" asks the beetle.

"Pretty good," replies the ladybird. "I started the day in Mr. Cooper's garden eating greenfly, then..."

"I'll have to stop you there," comes a voice from behind. It's an ant shaking his head.
"The correct term is 'aphid', not greenfly."

"Ok, so I was eating these 'aphids'," the ladybird corrects himself, "Which Mr. Cooper appreciated because they were eating his Cabbage roses..."

"I'll have to stop you there," the ant says again. "You see, I know Mr. Cooper's garden and those are Damask roses, not Cabbage roses."

The ladybird looks annoyed. "Ok, ok," he says. "They were eating Mr. Cooper's /Damask/ roses. Then Mrs. Cooper came out into the garden and..."

"I'll have to stop you there," the ant interrupts. "You see, the woman in question has been with Mr. Cooper for a long time, but they've never married and so she has kept the surname Smith."

"Will you just go away?" the ladybird shouts. The ant huffs and slinks off.

"Wow," says the exasperated ladybird. "What's up with that guy?"

"Oh, don't worry about him," says the beetle.

"He's just a ped ant."

comment by The_Dungeon_Master (U4830)
posted 4 minutes ago
A ladybird walks into a bar and sees his friend, a beetle, sitting alone.

"Good day?" asks the beetle.

"Pretty good," replies the ladybird. "I started the day in Mr. Cooper's garden eating greenfly, then..."

"I'll have to stop you there," comes a voice from behind. It's an ant shaking his head.
"The correct term is 'aphid', not greenfly."

"Ok, so I was eating these 'aphids'," the ladybird corrects himself, "Which Mr. Cooper appreciated because they were eating his Cabbage roses..."

"I'll have to stop you there," the ant says again. "You see, I know Mr. Cooper's garden and those are Damask roses, not Cabbage roses."

The ladybird looks annoyed. "Ok, ok," he says. "They were eating Mr. Cooper's /Damask/ roses. Then Mrs. Cooper came out into the garden and..."

"I'll have to stop you there," the ant interrupts. "You see, the woman in question has been with Mr. Cooper for a long time, but they've never married and so she has kept the surname Smith."

"Will you just go away?" the ladybird shouts. The ant huffs and slinks off.

"Wow," says the exasperated ladybird. "What's up with that guy?"

"Oh, don't worry about him," says the beetle.

"He's just a ped ant."
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Guffaw! Chortle!

Joby you know my two favorite jokes of all time slightly different. Well i would be wouldn't i
The dyslexic Vicar who believes in Dog and how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb...Fish
Poor old Rocket he did touch the ball to make it count how could i ever think he was better than Kasper!

Holmes is out camping with Watson.

WATSON: Why are you a much better detective than me, Holmes?

HOLMES: You see but unlike me you do not observe Watson. For example, tell me what you see and observe as we are lying here.

WATSON: I see it is a clear night sky with many stars visible. I observe that the universe is truly one of the most beautiful sights I have been privileged to be able to look at.

HOLMES: Precisely my point Watson; I also see the multitude of twinkling stars above, but I observe that means someone has stolen our tent!





WATSON:

how do you tell the difference between
legitimate and illegitimate jelly babies?

turn the box upside down and all the bast**ds fallout!

Marx is entertaining Engels one afternoon and offers him some refreshment, Engels takes one sip of the beverage in his cup and, disgusted, spits it out.

Engels:
"Good grief Karl what is this muck, don't you have any proper tea?"

Marx:
"No Freidrich, proper tea is theft."

Later the same afternoon, Engels goes to the loo, but can't get it to flush at all. Perplexed, he investigates the mechanism and finds two fiddles jamming up the works.

He relates this to Marx who just shrugs and replies:
"Oh it's just the violins in the cistern."

Very good, Vulpes.
Not one of Groucho's best, but clever nonetheless.

It was from his more serious period, before the row with Engels – "normally I never forget a face, but in your case I'm happy to make an exception."

The beard had to go, it just didn't work on stage or screen.

My fave – "time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."