Arsene is frustrated

(Arsene is sitting in his office with Robin.)

Arsene: Hmm.

Robin: It's such a precarious situation.

Arsene: It could tip either way any moment.

Robin: Argh, I feel so frustrated!

(Arsene sighs.)

Arsene: Maybe we should play a different game?

Robin: Yeah, how about cribbage?

(Arsene puts the Frustration game away and gets out a pack of cards. Suddenly his eyes light up.)

Arsene: I've got it!

Robin: What, cribbage?

Arsene: No, no! Well, yes, I have got cribbage, but I wasn't talking about that.

(Arsene looks at Robin and holds out the pack of cards.)

Arsene: Don't you see?

Robin: See what? It's a pack of cards.

Arsene: Yes, exactly!

Robin: Huh?

Arsene: Robin, this is the answer! This is our oracle! Our saviour!

Robin: You're not still going on about Frustration are you?

Arsene: No, no! I'm talking about our problems...

(Arsene twitches slightly and nervously glances over his shoulder.)

Arsene: Our... other problems.

(Arsene strokes his nose mysteriously and looks worried.)

Robin: You mean...

(Robin lowers his voice.)

Robin: How we're both unable to pee if there's anyone else in the bathroom?

(Arsene looks horrified.)

Arsene: No! Shhh! Not that one!

(Robin looks confused.)

Robin: You're not still worried about the rats in the medical centre are you?

Arsene: No, no, I'm talking about our problems on the pitch.

Robin: Ohhhhhhhh. Right. Why didn't you say so?

Arsene: I did!

Robin: No you didn't!

Arsene: Anyway! Regardless of what I may or may not have said or meant or implied or asserted... I have the solution to our problems in my left hand!

(Robin looks at Arsene's left hand, which is in his pocket.)

Robin: Umm, Arsene?

(Arsene takes his hand out of his pocket, still holding the pack of cards.)

Robin: Oh, right. I mean, cards? What?

Arsene: You realise that some cards can tell the future?

Robin: Surely you don't believe in that kind of stuff? It hardly ever comes true!

Arsene: That's because of the wibbly-wobbly nature of time. Time streams and all that. What will happen sometimes gets changed.

Robin: But anyway, don't you need special cards?

Arsene: No, nonsense! All I need is a pack of cards and the ability to tell the future from which cards I draw.

Robin: Ah, simple...

(Arsene takes out the deck, and shuffles it vigorously. He then lays the pack face down on his desk. He and Robin both look nervous.)

Arsene: Right, here we go...

(Arsene slowly reaches for the top card. He snatches it in puts in face up on the table. It is the six of hearts.)

Arsene: The six of hearts. Hmm.

Robin: You don't think this could mean Hearts the football club?

(Arsene's eyes light up.)

Arsene: Yes, of course! And six... Their number six! Who's number six for hearts?

Robin: I think it's Andy Webster. He's a defender.

Arsene: Aha! The answer to our defensive troubles! Come January... BOOM!

(Arsene smiles gleefully.)

Arsene: Now let's see what our next card tells us.

(Arsene quickly and unhesitantly takes the card from the top of the pile and places it on the table. It is the king of clubs. Arsene lets outs a cry of joy.)

Arsene: Robin! Do you know what this means?

Robin: No...

Arsene: This is the future! Arsenal football club will be the King of all clubs everywhere!

Robin: Ah... if you say so...

(Arsene is busy doing a dance in the office.)

Arsene: Next card please Robin!

Robin: But...

Arsene: NOW!

(Robin reluctantly removes the top card and puts it on the table. It is the card with instructions on how to preserve the deck.)

Arsene: Well read it out! Come on!

(Robin picks the card up.)

Robin: One. Make sure your deck is shuffled regularly.

Arsene: Yes, yes, regular squad rotation... it all makes sense! Keep going!

Robin: Two. Keep the deck away from animals.

Arsene: Hmm. Interesting, but, yes, logical. From now on all pets and visits to the zoo will be banned! Next, Robin!

(Arsene is overflowing with excitement.)

Robin: Three. Clean once a month with a damp small cloth.

Arsene: Ah, so we wash too much! All showers and baths will be banned! Monthly washs with a small damp cloth it is! Yes, carry on Robin!

(Robin clears his throat.)

Robin: Four. Store your deck in an airtight container out of the light.

(Arsene stops.)

Arsene: Airtight?

(Robin gulps nervously.)

Robin: Yes...

(Arsene pauses to think.)

Arsene: Well, worth a go!