The Covid Games: Episode 4

Sheep 1-1 Forest

Stop wetting yourself. Everything's going to plan.

Even the starting eleven was a cunning trick. Stuffing the midfield with hard men - Sow, Yates, Watson - gave the impression that Forest were going ultra defensive from the start, presumably because they respected the Sheep's attacking prowess so much. It surprised everybody, including their own fans, when Forest went on the front foot, played some decent stuff, and scored after 12 minutes with a Joe Lolley special.

They could have gone further ahead soon afterwards when Grabban and/or Da Costa just failed to reach a Cash cross, but herein was revealed the second part of Lamouchi's cunning plan - score once, and once only. Monsieur L. is obviously one of those chaps who believes that destiny allocates a finite number of goals to each team for each season, and to squander that allocation on extravagant winning margins is a sin. Better to save your goals until they are really needed. This partly explains why Forest missed so many chances in a match they could have won 5-0.

It is tempting for the meeja and Derby fans to believe that the Sheep grew into the game as the half went on, but all this really amounted to was one half-blocked shot from somebody intriguingly called Max Bird. The Great Rooney was wading with quiet desperation through the mire of advancing years, Martin was cheating behind the ref's back like a naughty fat schoolboy, and Louise Sibley tried hard but the flukes weren't going her way. Lamouchi knew these things would happen, of course, for does not Sun Tzu tell us in The Art Of War that "the most efficient way to defeat Derby is to expose them to their own ineptitude" ?

The second half was suitably boring for a while. Derby's Jason "Backpass" Bogle shot wide, an event which, unfortunately for Derby, reminded Forest that this was a serious business and they'd better show willing in an attacking sense. Ben Watson and Joe Lolley, both of whom were having splendid games, forced Hamer into saves, and after absorbing the kind of pressure which might crush a blown egg, Sameobi set up Grabban with an easy chance which he spectacularly and suspiciously botched. Silva curled a beauty onto the post leaving Grabban with a rebound which he spectacularly and suspiciously botched again. After a farty effort from Martin (the ball reached him accidentally), Cash presented Grabban with a chance which he spectacularly and suspiciously botched, again. You may have detected a pattern here, one of spectacular and suspicious botchment. Now we all know that Lewis Grabban is one of the best strikers in the Championship, so we must conclude that he was either having a completely offal day, or he was missing by instruction and saving his goals for, say, the play-offs. Only Sabri Lamouchi has the answer to this.

Anyway, Waghorn got sent off for being a clumsy cocksocket, as Lamouchi knew would probably happen (have you noticed how many red cards our opponents have been getting lately?) and the game was virtually over (as it had been for about 90 minutes, to be honest), when Forest made the two mistakes which cost them victory. Worrall blocked somebody off, Samba fumbled the ensuing free kick, and Martin of all people bundled it home. It was the only way Derby were going to score, the only way Derby ever score - by accident, fluke, or a gift from their opponents.

To say that Lamouchi had planned the equaliser would, of course, be ridiculous. But, as somebody said, getting your mistakes out of the way now is not a bad plan. What this setback proves is that Forest and Lamouchi are not quite perfect. On a scale of Derby to 10, Forest are about an 8. So stop gobbing off about Grabban, Worrall and Samba, unless, of course, you have known all along that they are a wretched waste of space. Otherwise, stop wetting yourself, it's coming together nicely.