Newcomers’ guide to the Prem, cont…

If you were fortunate enough to miss part 1, it’s in the second comment below, don’t read the first comment, not worth it…

Aston Village were formed from a group of interested bystanders in the pretty village of Anston, between Worksop and Sheffield. In 1899 they were tempted by the fleshpots of the Midlands, and changed their name to Aston Village without ever understanding what a fleshpot was. They are currently managed by a nasal implant. Their fans are known as "Villagers" or simply "Idiots".

Totteringham are best known for having robbed Nottingham Forest of the 1991 F.A. Cup when the referee failed to send off Gascoigne in the final after he cynically bust his own knee on a Forest player. Currently their best players are Harry Kane and Sum Hyung Man, who wrote the Art of War. They have a Koch on their crest.

Crystal Palace , known commonly as Palearse, have a long and distinguished history of never winning anything, apart from the London Challenge Cup in which they beat a Holloway Prison Guards XI after a penalty shoot out. Palearse continue to bob around the Premier League as pointlessly as a float in a fished out pond.

Man$ity are based in Disneyland, East Manchester. The stadium can be accessed by a magic tram which holds an infinite number of passengers who are sustained by sweat and carbon dioxide. The stadium itself is merely a giant electronic advertising hoarding. Matches are sponsored by a band of wizards in a land far, far away, and their manager speaks a form of Klingon, but nobody has ever dared tell him so.

AFC B’Muff are a club whose entire business plan is founded on the "yo-yo" principle - get promoted, get relegated, use parachute payments to get promoted... and so on. They are as tiny and annoying as Rishi Sunak, are led by a manager with an inflamed jaw and are based in a stadium which is structurally unsound when required.

Liverpoo long since abandoned the pretence of being an ordinary football club to devote itself to the collective worship of the Klopp, a mythical Prussian giant with glass eyes and tombstone teeth whose look can turn his enemies to stone. That's the Klopp, not his teeth. Fans say they'd walk a million miles for one of his smiles, but they'd never walk alone. My brother-in-law supports the Poo, so I'll leave it there.

Chelsea Dodgers take their name from either a jammy biscuit or their new owner's LA Dodgers baseball franchise or indeed the artful Cockney runt from "Oliver Twist". They are managed by Thomas Tookle, a strange looking fellow with a wandering right ear whose ambition may or may not be to recruit the entire German international team. Tookle, not his ear. They call the German football team the Mannschaft , which means team. Imaginative stuff.

Brighton are a south coast club with ambitions of being mildly interesting. That's it really. Nobody knows much about them. We think they are managed by Harry Potter. Pfft.

Newca$tle are another example of a sleeping giant who, pumped full of oil-based steroids from our friendly wizards in the East, wakes with a noisy snort and starts throwing his weight around in various directions. Can the rampant monster be tamed? Will the angry mob be satisfied? Who can say. Or rather, Howe can say. Or can he?

Everton have no silly nickname because, as they have grown old and weary, all identity has been weathered out of them like an abandoned shed. This is why, when people pointedly avoid discussing a particular subject, that subject is often described as "the Everton in the room".

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