Following Wayne Rooney's revelations that he quite likes the musicals Grease and Hairspray I can now reveal a few scenes from the musical based on his life.
SCENE 1: At the Rooney household. Wayne has been out all night:
Colleen: Oh Wayne, oh Wayne where have you been? Have you been to London to visit the Queen?
Wayne: No my sweet, my sweet, sweet Colleen, I've not been to London to visit the Queen.
Colleen: Have you perhaps been in hospital for them to remove your spleen?
Wayne: No, no my darling that's not where I've been.
Colleen: Please say you haven't been clubbing, chatting up a busty young teen?
Wayne: Don't be daft, my love, that's not where I've been...I've been out on the lash and then on your mum, I've been on your granny, I took her up the bum and now I find it burns when I come, so can you phone your granny and then phone your mum, because I think one of them gave me a disease in my plums.
SCENE 2: At the England Training Ground
Capello: What's the matter you, Wayne? You no score-a the goals. You do it for Man Utd, but for me you can't kick a ball?
Wayne: I'm sorry, boss. I just can't explain. I've asked myself: what's wrong with you, Wayne? When I play for my club I'm one of the best, but for my country I must confess, I play like a schoolboy or perhaps just a 'tard, in fact for England I play as bad as Lampard...
Frank: Hey! If I can be frank -
Capello: I assumed that you were?
Frank: I've still got plenty in the tank, why don't you ask her?
Bleakley: He goes like a train with me.
Frank: Thanks honey. It's just that I'm crap for England, yes I'm crap for England. But it's not just me, look at Wayne and Stevie G, 'cos they are crap for England
Wayne & Stevie: Yes we're crap for England
Frank: We're just plain old crap for our country.
Capello: Oh it'sa no good, in fact it'sa poora...I'm left with no choice, I'll call up Zamora...
SCENE 3: On holiday
Colleen: Wayne, Wayne, you've finished playing football, why don't you come and swim in the pool, the day is hot and the water is cool, so Wayne, Wayne won't you swim in the pool?
Wayne: I'd love to babe, and this may sound quite wack, but I'm scared the chlorine will stop my hair growing back.
Rooney! The Musical.
posted on 4/10/11
"It's a bit Dr Seuss rather than a musical, JJG."
That might be because you can't hear the full ochestration that's in my head. But I'd never claim to be anything like Dr Seuss, as far as I'm concerned he is one of the greatest writers of all time.
posted on 4/10/11
Scene 1 is my favourite, especially this:
Wayne: Don't be daft, my love, that's not where I've been...I've been out on the lash and then on your mum, I've been on your granny, I took her up the bum and now I find it burns when I come, so can you phone your granny and then phone your mum, because I think one of them gave me a disease in my plums.
posted on 4/10/11
Funny - not to mention totally harmless - stuff JJG.
As for ManUtdDaredevil's claims that his effort "..is much better"?
Careful now. Someone might call you deluded.
posted on 4/10/11
The best bit was watching JJG's witty retorts to the pitiful attempts at flaming from the utd guys
And not sure who wrote that telephone conversation thing but it is awful, just awful.
posted on 4/10/11
comment by JohnJensensGoal (U6334)
posted 2 hours, 1 minute ago
"The point remains, why share this rubbish with us? Even if it is about our player.
Everyone enjoys a good joke but this is terrible."
Ah yes, I forgot that humour is no longer subjective.
=========================
Apologies, I thought you put up this article so we could read and comment on it.
Unfortunately the article didn't do it for me and I expressed my opinions. If I came across as being harsh I apologise. We get spammed everyday by your cohorts (arsenal fans) and unfortunately we lash out at anything posted.
I think there is room for improvement. I know the stuff I posted on your board about the telephone conversation wasn't great but in my defence, I copied it from a website. Just like this item;
http://www.sincearsenallastwonatrophy.co.uk/?page=1
I however take credit for the great song in this article, which captures the current state of affairs at your club and encourages you all to be positive in spite of all that's going on.
Cheers
posted on 4/10/11
"Apologies, I thought you put up this article so we could read and comment on it.
Unfortunately the article didn't do it for me and I expressed my opinions."
That's exactly why I put it up, you were the one who was questioning why I did it, remember?
I'm not bothered that you didn't find it funny, as I said humour is subjective, and this is far from being my finest work, but the only person who questioned why the article existed in the first place was you, so it seems a bit strange that you're now the one trying to extole the virtues of free speech.
posted on 4/10/11
Unfortunately we get 100s of articles on our board from your colleagues and your article appeared to be one of those.
We get bored to death with them and unfortunately are not as tolerant.
Like I said, if I came across as harsh, I apologise. Just sick and tired of reading nonsense on our boards from your fans
posted on 4/10/11
comment by ManUtdDaredevil (U9612)
posted 1 minute ago
Unfortunately we get 100s of articles on our board from your colleagues and your article appeared to be one of those.
We get bored to death with them and unfortunately are not as tolerant.
Like I said, if I came across as harsh, I apologise. Just sick and tired of reading nonsense on our boards from your fans
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tbf this is quite funny though, not the standard "hernandez " or "ge gea 20mil "
posted on 4/10/11
"Like I said, if I came across as harsh, I apologise. Just sick and tired of reading nonsense on our boards from your fans"
Not at all harsh to be honest, I've heard a lot worse, and if I'm honest once you commented I was playing deliberately dumb for my own amusement.
I would say the amount of horrendous articles we get on the Arsenal board from your fans probably balances out the ones you get on yours.
posted on 4/10/11
comment by JohnJensensGoal (U6334)
posted 59 minutes ago
"Like I said, if I came across as harsh, I apologise. Just sick and tired of reading nonsense on our boards from your fans"
Not at all harsh to be honest, I've heard a lot worse, and if I'm honest once you commented I was playing deliberately dumb for my own amusement.
I would say the amount of horrendous articles we get on the Arsenal board from your fans probably balances out the ones you get on yours.
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I would beg to differ mate. Look at it this way, you do not have a Utd Kamran