12 truths about Arsenal v Forest

12 TRUE THINGS WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS MATCH.

Most sports/media outlets cast doubt on whether Forest actually turned up for this match. One or two mention a Forest goal, but only because without it, the score line would make no sense. It is therefore our duty to put stuff right and say 12 things what really happened in this match.

1) The game was delayed for half an hour or so because some fat joker called Denzil got himself wedged in a turnstile and jammed up the whole entry system. The tragedy of Denzil's fate has been covered up by some corporate nonsense about "software failure".

2) Brennan Johnson cocked up a glorious chance to open the scoring early on because he had been instructed to show Spurs just how rubbish he really was.

3) Arsenal's first goal, a deflected strike from Nketiah, finally woke up the home fans, who had spent the first twenty minutes of the match harvesting cheese from each other's feet.

4) Six minutes after Nketiah's goal, a strike from Saka went down in history as the most hyperbolised event since God invented Sky. See 9.

5) Forest spent the rest of the first half failing to kick the wadding out of the opposition as Mister Cooper had asked them to do. Experts have put this reticence down to their away kit, whose stripey wierdness carried all the threat of a peppermint Spangle. Mmm Spangles.

6) According to reports, the half time whistle came at the wrong time for the hosts. Obviously this was because the match had started at the wrong time, but try explaining that to a Cockney.

7) Several of the new disciplinary rules made themselves evident during the match. For example, the match shall only be stopped in the event of a head injury or if thirty eight million pounds worth of Timber falls to earth. Managers shall conduct themselves in a reasonable manner except for Arteta who can prance around like the devil's mannequin. And VAR hand ball checks shall not be applied to players who cost £105m which is broken down into an initial payment of £100m, to be paid over 24 months, with £5m in add-ons, which are £1m every time Arsenal qualify for the Champions League and Rice starts 60 per cent of games.

8) New signing Matt Turner acquitted himself well when called upon. One save from a wickedly deflected Rice shot was a remarkable display of cat-like agility, and would have been described as "stunning" had that word not been appropriated solely for the use of describing Saka's goal which was the most stunning thing ever experienced in the anals of tabloid history...

9)...but nowhere near, in all honesty, as stunning as the goal Forest scored in the 82nd minute. That was properly stunning, not some fancy-Dan flukery but a breath-taking display of power, speed and accuracy from Elanga and Taiwo which left Arsenal defenders blowing like old men's farts and the Arsenal faithful stunned good and proper. That's what stunning means, after all.

10) Forest might have equalised, but MGW still can't shoot.

11) All those Forest fans who committed suicide during half time were left regretting their decision as they failed to see Forest put the wind up the Arsenal and give them the fright of their lives. They, remember, see themselves as title contenders, but no amount of media worship can cover up the fact that lowly Forest made life very uncomfortable for them. Surviving Forest fans were genuinely optimistic about the future. Arsenal fans only pretended to be.

12) What the hell is a Variable Speed Limit?

www.stressandpie.co,uk