Kneegate Revisited

De-cluttering my laptop today I came across an article I posted on the old BBC 606 site the day after we had beaten Forest 1-0 in January 2010. Hulse’s header won it but the game is remembered for the melee where Jay McEveley bounced the ball off Chris Gunter’s head and Artoo claimed that in the mass brawl that followed Nigel Clough assaulted him.

The article lasted a couple of hours. A Forest fan complained to the Admins - on what grounds I’m not sure, it’s tame stuff - and it was removed. I’m hoping that there may have been a mellowing of attitudes over the last fifteen years. Maybe, like Ulysses, A Farewell To Arms and other fine publications, the passage of time will lead to a reappraisal and it will no longer be considered the pure filth that it was in those days. Here it is:



This is the tale of Billy’s thigh
And how young Nigel happened by
With sixty seconds still to go
The ball goes out for someone’s throw
A Derby player grabs the ball
And suddenly: a free for all
Wee Billy’s trapped as tempers fray
And fatefully he looks away
He feels a touch upon his thigh
And there’s young Nigel in his eye
Now no-one knows what Nigel meant
But Billy’s sure there was intent
Though no-one else has seen a kick
He spots a chance to make mud stick
He ponders for a day or two
Then points the blame at you-know-who
The Forest faithful all agree
(Once Billy’s told them what to see)
Now all the talk’s of Billy’s bruise
And not how Forest came to lose
The shameful saga gathers pace
With Billy’s lawyers on the case
“We’ll find the truth of this affray
For fifteen hundred quid a day!"
First they scrutinise the bruise
In hope that it will yield some clues
They try to dust it down for prints
But every touch makes Billy wince
“Ye cannae touch ma thigh!" he said
“Ah need the soothing touch of Ned!"
They scour the footage frame by frame
For proof that Nigel is to blame
Then finally the lawyers speak
“We cannot find the proof you seek.
We have arrived at our conclusion
You’re suffering from a delusion
The video is inconclusive"
Billy now becomes abusive
“Ye cannae say there is no proof!
The word of Billy IS the truth!"
His face is purple in his fury
“Ah am Billy-judge and jury!"
So what becomes of Bonkers Billy
Now everyone thinks he’s so silly?
His chairman’s face has gone quite red
Embarrassed at what Billy’s said
Now Forest are a laughing stock
All courtesy of their mad Jock
Billy says “They willnae sack me"
Though how ah wish someone would back me!"
Will Billy ever leave it be
And no more brood on Nigel’s knee?
We should move on, what’s done is done
The game is gone (and Derby won)
Let’s all shake hands, and wish him well
In his new home: a padded cell