Haukar Inge Gudnason - The Yellow Submarine

"Steve Harkness was a vulgar man, he was disgusting and I disliked him in so many ways. I also strongly disliked Dominic Matteo and some of the other members of the dressing room with whom they aligned themselves with. A horrible group and a horrible experience I had. I was treated in an appalling manner, horrific even. They picked on the younger players but I got it the worst. Perhaps I rubbed people up the wrong way with my saffron routine. It was still no excuse for my ordeals.

After matches these people used to urinate in bulk in the bathtub. 3 part water, 1 part urine. They would store it up. Dom once had to go to hospital with a bladder problem after attempting a 3-day storage approach. The urination in the tub wasn't the worst bit. They would pull me in and push my head under the water for as much as 30 seconds, allowing the textures to marinate with my skin. They laughed. They referred to this routine as the 'Yellow Submarine' or the 'Salt Dunk'. It made me unwell and I have since developed a strong distaste for pineapple soda.

I approached middle management and made an official complaint but that only made it worse. Doug Livermore bundled me into the changing room and introduced me to a 'Foghorn Filler'. I was ill for months. They used to call me Haukar Gudurine. They were a gruesome bunch. One day I snapped and tried to get my own back. I whipped it out while the others were training and went loose on Steve's sandwich and water bottles. I sat at lunch just waiting for the moment. Waiting to see him throw up when he tasted it. At last he'd know.

He pulled out his lunch and I watched in amazement. He guzzled it all down. Even the water. Then it got even worse. "Doug where did we get this water?" he asked. "Can you order me some more mate. Cheers lad."

I was astonished. He was immune."

Haukar Inge Gudnason recounts niche urine tales in his upcoming autobiography entitled 'The Yellow Submarine'.