♫ OH AR53NAL WE LOVE YOU ♥

14 min: GOAL!!! Chelsea 1-0 Arsenal.
A goal had been coming all right - it could have been 2-2 at the very least already - and finally the scoreboard ticks over. Mata swings a peach of a cross into the area from tight on the right touchline. Lampard is racing in, and stoops eight yards out to guide a clever header into the bottom-right corner past a flat-footed Szczesny, who was following the flight of Mata's ball.

36 min: GOAL!!! Chelsea 1-1 Arsenal.
Van Persie wins a loose ball in the middle and lays off to Ramsey, who slides a ball between Ivanovic and Terry, setting an onside Gervinho free. He draws Cech and rolls the ball wide for... Van Persie, who had been bowling forward after setting the move off, and rolls into an empty net. Some pretty passing there, beautiful in its simplicity. Not quite sure how Arsenal are level, but here we are.

45 min: JOHN TERRY SCORES!!! Chelsea 2-1 Arsenal.
"The question is not how are they level," corrects Ian Little, "it's how is it not 3-3?" You could be right. I may have been blinded by Santos's quite spectacular haplessness. Arsenal have certainly had plenty of chances to score; Chelsea have definitely been the stronger team on the whole, mind. Maybe only just. Let's not fall out. But look here! A corner for Chelsea down the left. The ball's dropped onto the edge of the six-yard box. Szxzesny should claim, but doesn't. Mertesacker should hack clear, but falls on his buttocks in the 1920s Hollywood style. Terry ghosts in to guide a slow-motion effort into the bottom-left corner. What on earth was the Arsenal defence up to there? The gap Terry ran through was huge. At least it's not poor old Santos's fault, picking on him's already getting old.

48 min: GOAL!!! Chelsea 2-2 Arsenal.
Arsenal should probably play Santos up front, out of the road of danger. He suddenly finds himself with half the pitch in front of him down the left, the nearest man Sturridge - Sturridge! - miles away. He draws Cech, and slips the ball under him from the equaliser! What a player this Santos is, eh?

56 min: THIS IS BEYOND LOGIC NOW. Chelsea 2-3 Arsenal.
What abject defending by Chelsea. Walcott, coming down the inside-right channel, slips and skids along the ground on his . Three blue shirts stand around looking at the ball as it sits stationary on the turf, 30 yards out. Walcott gets up and saunters in off with it, sashaying between the onloookers with a swivel of the hips, advancing on the box, and hammering a shot through Cech and into the net. Not a single player on the pitch appears bothered about defence today. But who's complaining? This is making for brilliant viewing

81 min: WHAT A GOAL!!! Chelsea 3-3 Arsenal.
They could turn this round, too! From out of nothing, an equaliser! The ball drops to Mata, 25 yards out, just to the right of goal. With Song diving in front of him, Mata takes a touch, and sends the ball swinging into the top-left corner. Szczesny had no chance.

85 min: OH DEAR, JOHN TERRY! OH DEAR! Chelsea 3-4 Arsenal.
Terry has a proper face on after this ignominious debacle. What a -up, the tin lid on an afternoon of defensive hilarity. The ball's passed back towards the Chelsea captain. He turns and falls, skittering hysterically along the turf on his nipples. Van Persie makes off with the ball, rounds the advancing Cech on the right, and rolls the ball into an empty net. We've had the entire history of comedy packed into 85 minutes.

Amazing.90 min +2: A SECOND TIN LID ON IT! Chelsea 3-5 Arsenal
Chelsea press forward. Arsenal break, five on the two men constituting Chelsea's defence. The ball's slipped out down the inside-left to Van Persie, who completes his hat-trick by skelping a shot high into the top-left corner.

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