It is nearly Christmas.

It is nearly Christmas.

It is a time when chairmen relax their pockets & lavish a bit of financial affection on the club, only yesterday I saw Tom Glick scouring Iceland... for fun-size sausage-rolls, chicken kievs, turkey twizzlers & posters of Kerry Katona. The Derby chairman has also leased out a corner of the DCFC shop to a Buddist, selling cheap plastic Santas made in China, tinsel from Taiwan, Polish greetings cards & economy trees from the Ukraine. This obviously brings in important revenue & also raises their international profile!

In the hunt to capture the Christmas messages from the chairmen, I first visited Tom Glick at Prideless Park. I was ushered in to his office by a threadbare clerk "That will be all Cratchett" wheezed Glick as he indicated I sit on a chair, equally as threadbare as his clerk. Glick continued to scratch at a ledger with a quill, pausing only to dip it in the yellowed, crystal inkwell, face eerily illuminated only by the single bar electric fire, causing the shadow of the quill to dance on the wall behind.

Glick stopped writing a moment, quill poised in mid-air held by his fingerless gloved hand, he stared over the top of his half-moon glasses "WELL?" he demanded.
"Your Christmas message for the fans sir, I came to get it" Glick motioned towards a wardrobe in the corner of his office, I looked over to it "Well go on, open it" crackled Gkick. The chair scraped against the bare floorboards as I stood, & my footsteps echoed as I walked.

I opened the doors and was greeted by three ghosts. The first was a bright, shining star, with a 'we only had 10 men' at its centre, which slowly, almost imperceptibly, dimmed to darkness "The ghost of Christmases past" whispered Glick. The next was a swirling, spinning vortex of which I could not define any definite details other than money falling down a drain. "The ghost of Christmas present" whispered Glick. The last was a ghost of an old lady, pointing randomly saying "he had a surname how could he fail, we were reducing the debt why have we failed!"
"Ahh" I said "They are metaphysical metaphors" Glick nodded below his top hat "The past is but a faded glory" Glick nodded again "The present is cloaked in spin & nothing definite can be made out other than you're skint" Glick winked "& the future is not to be looked forward too!"
"The force is strong in this one" says Glick, with more than a hint of sarcasm.

I challenge him "Do you have ANY good news for your supporters?"
"Yes" He turns his back on me & gazed out of the window "There's more free t shirts and those sheep masks will be back after Christmas"

A short walk around the soulless corridors of Prideless Park and I'm back at reception, the receptionist points me in the direction of the 'managers' office, I knock on the door and walk straight in.

I immediately see Nigel Clough sat behind his desk, on the telephone "SELL SELL SELL!" he shrieks & slams the telephone down "Your stockbroker?" I ask "No, Gary Crosby. What can I do for you?"
"I'm here for your Christmas message to the fans"

"Well, I can tell you this, next year will be investment, investment, investment... in non league players (as long as they are free) we will be bringing back those sheep masks, & as long as we've got an academy, we've got players to sell"
"Won't that affect performances?"
"We're short staffed, I know that, I sold all the players, most of them were tall ones as well, so we REALLY are short staffed!" I begin to warm to Nigel's up front attitude "This club can't afford my lifestyle with players earning five and six thousand a week, I don't know where the free ticket public think the money comes from! Its certainly not for them"

I press Clough about Christmas offers
"& will the fans be receiving anything Mr Clough"
"Well, given the current financial climate it would irresponsible to GIVE stuff away, but it never stopped us before and the fans need softening up for the inevitable slide down the table, so following on from the huge success of the sheep masks and free t shirts GSE have commissioned Pelham marionette puppet (muppet) that's an exact replica of Igor Stimac"
As I walk back into the reception with a free copy of the new free club magazine, I see a small boy in dank and lifeless clothes with a crutch by his side. "Are you ok tiny Tim?" I ask the small boy "begging your pardon sir I am well I just want to be like my hero Nathan Tyson so I have injured my hamstrings and am waiting for money from Mr Glick to buy the biggest Turkey in the shop so I can use it to shore up our defence.

Happy Christmas

Can't post this on the Sheep board as they have Croppered me because they simply cannot hack it!