Chelsea vs Newcastle Pre-Match

I don't know why i've done this, i was bored out of my mind. Oh well here it goes....

The scene starts in the tunnel at St James Park, Terry and Lampard are cruising on mobility scooters down the tunnel, talking about the good old days when Lampard could play a through ball and Terry could change direction without stacking it. At the end of the tunnel, there is a shadow of a female figure, as they trundle closer, they both realise its Christine Bleakley. Terry sees an opportunity, thinking quickly, he throws a pie into the referee’s room, Lampard instantly jumps up from his scooter and sprints after the pie. Terry takes a quick look around and locks the door behind Frank, he then greases up his remaining hairs, puts on a creepy smile, and waltzes up to Christine.

Meanwhile in the changing rooms AVB is struggling to control the dressing room.

“David, turn that thing off, I’m trying to do a team talk." AVB snaps at Luiz who is playing FIFA 12.
“Sorry boss, but look I scored a hat trick". Luiz replies excitedly.
“David, you lost 5-3, and for all five goals you were in the other team’s box".
“One of them I scored with an overhead kick." Luiz replies, smiling at AVB.
AVB shakes his head and sighs.

There is a knock at the door, AVB answers and is handed a letter with the Abramovich stamp over the seal.

AVB is trying to get the attention of all the players, with great difficulty. He pulls out a shotgun and lets off a couple of rounds. All goes silent. Essien drops to the floor after receiving an unlucky ricochet taking his knee cap clean off.

AVB opens the letter and starts: “Right lads, this is the starting lin………."

Drogba has walked into the changing room, he stubs his toe on a kitbag and goes down holding his face, the whole dressing room falls silent. Drogba is rolling around in agony thinking he is blind. Dr Carneiro runs over for instant medical attention.

AVB sighs again. “FFS. Now who’s going to play up front."

He looks around and sees Torres straightening his hair, “Fernando, get kitted up, your starting."
Torres finishes applying foundation and puts his boots on.

AVB looks at Kalou and whispers to Di Matteo “Who the f * ck is that"?
Di Matteo looks bewildered and replies “I have no idea, think he might be the kit man".
AVB sighs again. “Send him home".

The players are eventually told the starting lineup, then Terry bursts into the changing rooms with his shorts around his ankles.

AVB makes eye contact with Terry, looks down at his shorts and mutters “John".

“Oh yeah, sorry boss was just having a monumental dump" Terry nervously replies as he pulls his shorts up.

“Where’s Frank" AVB questions.
“Think he’s just having a chat with the ref". Terry whistles looking at his feet after answering.

The players all line up in the tunnel. Frank exits the referee’s room with a whistle on a string hanging out of the side of his mouth. AVB stands in front of him. Lampard cannot look him in the eye and stares at the floor.

AVB inquires: “Frank, no, you haven’t…… what have I told you? You haven’t done it again…………….. You haven’t eaten the ref have you?!

Lampard mumbles: “I didn’t mean to."

AVB gives Lampard a disgusting look of disapproval, “You fat c * nt."

As Lampard turns to line up with his fellow team mates, out of the referees room comes the replacement referee, the players jaws all drop in shock, screams of desperation are heard from the Chelsea players, tears are seen rolling from Drogba’s one functioning eye………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………It’s Ovrebo.