How to win the Premier League?

Alright lads, got a little problem that I was hoping you could all help me with.

Basically, I was just on the bowls board looking for some indigestion help but to no avail, Gareth Bale, they had no advice. I thought all was lost, Giovanni Dos Santos until one delightful chap, Harry Redknapp, filled me in on you guys and suggested I tried the sppuds board... So pointed me in your direction!

You see, I am an avid chef and regularly enter the yearly McClain’s Premier League homemade chips competition. Every year I enter, but I’ve never won it. The problem I first thought was all down to the deep fat frying system I’ve been using, but now I’m pretty sure it’s got to be my choice of sppuds.

It appears every time I enter my homemade chips, Luka Modric. The judges get horrific bowel movement and end up on the toilet for days on end, Andros Townsend. It’s almost torture Kyle Walker and makes me dull, Brad Friedel. As you can guess, this severely limits my chances of winning.

I make them several times a year and occasionally they look as good as they come, Thomas Huddlestone! So I get my hopes up that this will be my year to take home the ‘dough’, Jermaine Defoe! You see there is quite a large cash prize and a chance to show of my prime-cut sppuds all around europe for the top placed entrants!

Saying that, a couple of years ago I did infact Van Der Varrt, cart my sppuds around Europe! From what I’ve heard it made the scousers jealous, Jermaine Jenas! Apparently we took their place? But I don’t think anyones seen them in Europe since? So I guess they aren’t in it anymore, Jake Livermore.

It was a wonderful experience, actually I’d say it was super duper, Verden Corluka. I got to go to Italy where I won a spot on itv for having the best sppuds in Milan! Ohhh you should have seen me, Carlo Cudicini!! However i wasn’t so lucky in Madrid I suppose, Danny Rose. I was looking for a few new sppuds to bring back with me to England, you know the small technical type. But I suppose those guys in red and white where right... Theres no Sppuds in Europe!!

Anyway, I can’t afford to pay the gas, William Gallas. So I regularly evade it, which means buying a new oven for White Hart Lane, Harry Kane is completely out of the question. As the authorites may wonder how I can afford to buy a brand new oven when I don’t even pay my taxes?... I mean the gas bill!!!

Evidently David Bently, I’m stuck at a blip and don’t know what to do. I’ve been through everything, Ledley King but just can’t seem to get in the top 4 regualarly, nevermind win a trophy!!

Please help guys, I spend so much money every year on new sppuds and I’m still yet to win the McClains Premier League.

Stopping chips is not an option, oh god no, Assou-Ekotto.. As i think they’re awesome, Michael Dawson.

So what do you think, do you reckon there’s something wrong with the Sppuds?

Sincerely
Daniel Levi.