Handy Guide To: Burnley FC

Sifting tinterwebs to ascertain just how many global records we’re likely to record between now and May as we march undefeated to an inevitable Championship Trophy, I was a tad flummoxed to discover that the next lucky recipients of The Mighty Rams’ Footballing Superstars Roadshow are fans of some club called “Burnley FC".

As something of an officiando of the beautiful game, I was somewhat taken aback as I had never previously heard of this minnow. Intrigued, I set off to glean what I could about Saturday’s victims and have listed my findings below such that you may amaze your friends down at the pub.

Here we are then:

Burnley Football Club “The Clarets" were formed somewhat prematurely in 1882 in readiness of the birth of football two years later. They were founder members of the Football League alongside some famous clubs.

Their home ground since 1883, Turf Moor, has a capacity of 22,546. There are tentative plans to increase the capacity ‘next time we’re in the Premier League’ but, by then, it is expected matches will be beamed telepathically to subscribers in the comfort of their own space capsule orbiting Earth. Even so, that would still have more atmosphere than Turf Moor.

Manager Eddie Howe was the youngest manager in the league when originally appointed at Bournemouth. His approach to transfers has been described by grown-up managers as ‘refreshing’ and it is rumoured he starts each enquiry for players with “Swapsies..?" Training sessions have been amended to accommodate his paper round and are dependent on his homework being done on time. Nonetheless, an enviable win-ratio of 50% at Bournemouth and 46% at Burnley is not to be sniffed at.

Burnley actually have won the league twice, in 1921 and 1960, the latter being secured with a last-game victory at Man City which saw The Clarets hit the top for the first time that season. They are one of only three clubs to have won all four divisions, along with PNE and Wolves.

When Burnley fluked the FA Cup in 1914, they were the first to receive the trophy from a reigning monarch, King George V. It is thought the workshy and irresponsible behaviour of George’s son, Edward VIII, including abdicating the throne, was copied from the travelling Burnley support.

In 1900, Burnley ‘keeper Jack Hillman was suspended for one whole season after trying to bribe Nottingham Forest to lose against them. Fortunately, this sort of thing has been stamped out of the modern game, with Forest now readily capitulating free-of-charge against whoever turns up to play them.

Not the sharpest knives in the drawer, Burnley is derived from the former name “Brun Lea", meaning ‘Meadow by the river Brun’. Nice spelling guys. It is therefore wholly understandable that Burnley is one of the poorest authorities in the UK, coming 21st out of 354 in a 2007 audit to discover the most deprived areas. They have only themselves to blame though, consistently voting Labour MPs in, albeit the present incumbent is LibDem Gordon Birtwistle, who incidentally holds the present World Record for “The Most Northern Name Ever".

Burnley have unfortunately been blighted by the “management" of Steve Cotterill who, taking over from Stan Ternent in 2004, oversaw a steady decline until removed from post in 2007. He did, however, manage to set a new club record of 19 consecutive games without a victory, surely a crumb of comfort to the Forest fans as he must be getting near that number again now.

Cotterill’s eventual replacement, Owen Coyle, secured promotion to the Premier League in his first full season in charge, via a Wembley Play-Off Final victory in 2009. As bigger, better and more famous clubs had done before them, they lasted only one season in the top flight.

One of their signings for their ill-fated Premier campaign was Tyrone Mears, International rightback and world-renowned escapologist. As is his modus operandi, Mears was quick to quit the club after relegation, joining his ex-manager Coyle at Bolton Wanderers where he unfortunately broke his leg in training. Shame.

Whilst still officially a Derby County player, albeit ‘on loan’ to Olympique Marseille, Tyrone proudly made his debut for Jamaica against Nigeria in February 2009. Mears later learned his ‘pride’ was somewhat misplaced though, as his dad is in fact from Sierra Leone, some 4,300 miles away across the Atlantic.

Famous folk from Burnley include:
Jim Bowen, Super Smashing Great host of Bullseye
John Kettley, who is a weatherman. As is Michael Fish.
Malcolm Hebden, who plays Norris Cole on that soap that your wife likes.

Famous fans of the Club include:
Alistair Campbell, professional liar and Nu Labour apologist
Zak Dingle, who portrays a typical Burnleyite on that other soap your wife likes.

That’s all the info tinterwebs have on Saturday’s oppo; does anyone else have any interesting factual facts to enlighten us with?