Handy Guide To: Barnsley FC

I have checked the FA site for the rules which may prevent it, but at the moment we are due to play Barnsley FC in a 'competitive' league fixture this coming Tuesday evening despite them quite clearly being a feeder club and retirement playground for ex-Rams.

Intrigued by the complexities of such an event, I have trawled tinterwebs to find what else I could about this apparent legal loophole and the club behind it.

Here we are then:

Barnsley FC were formed in 1887 to cash in on the sport perfected three years previously. Originally “Barnsley St Peters" they changed their name in 1897 as ‘St Peter’ inferred they had good gates which, of course, they never have had.

Their home ground is Oakwell, with an assumed capacity of 23002 although this has never been seriously tested despite opposing fans often turning up in their thousands for their inevitable easy victory and three points. In 2006/7 season, Brum, Owls, Rams and Mackems all filled the 6,000 seat away allocation in the North Stand, and Sunderland even took half of the West Stand, displacing 11,587 whippets who usually sit there.

Their nickname is “The Tykes" but for reasons unknown. ‘Bridesmaids’ would be appropriate though, given that they have spent more seasons in the second division than any other gaining promotion only once, in 96/97 season, and therefore being one of only six clubs to have spent only a single season in top-flight football.

An exhaustive catalogue of the Barnsley FC Honours:
1912 FA Cup Winners

As a retirement home for ex-Rams and training facility for fringe players, Barnsley fans have enjoyed the silky talents of Lewin Nyatanga, Ashley Ward, Big Darren Moore, Mark Stallard and Jon Macken in recent seasons. Presently they are rehabilitating Big Miles and allowing Jay MacEveley to see out his final years there. Jay said of his transfer “I love smacking women up, being a Scouser, so Barnsley is perfect for me" as he put pen to paper after being personally responsible for scoring 10% of Derby’s Premier League goals. Unfortunately, he was responsible for 87% of the ones conceded too.

Signed as cover for Mark O’Brien, Jason Shackell has blossomed at Derby County and is becoming quite the accomplished centrehalf. “Who knew?!" said Shaq, upon discovering his talent for the game.

Barnsley have never been as trounced in an FA Cup match as when Derby beat them 1-8 in 1897, which was OOE’s debut “Report" I believe.

The wannabe East Midlanders, Leicester City, were so impressed with Barnsley loanee Danny Drinkwater that they signed him from Man U minutes after he set up both of Barnsley’s goal in a 2-1 victory, much to both Barnsley fans’ chagrin.

Famous fans of the club include Emuphobic Michael Parkinson, fat ex-cricketer and poncey dancer Darren Gough, and the inimitable Dickie Bird, the only official to umpire both the men’s and women’s World Cup Finals and a former Yorkshire Personality Of The Year winner, before the competition was banned under trade descriptions violations.

Barnsley, once noted for it’s glass-making industry, was the first site of a bottle bank in summer 1977. So, the next time you’re sitting in the one chair you can now fit on your patio because of the myriad of recycling tubs, bins and bags that we are now legally bound to store on our properties, remember to silently thank the pigeon-fancying, flat cap wearing Barnsleyites for their singular contribution to society.

Pete Brown, the poor man’s OOE and authoritative author on Beer, was born in Barnsley in 1968. His works include “Man Walks Into A Pub" “Three Sheets To The Wind" and “Hops and Glory". He’s not a Barnsley fan.

Barnsley’s footballing sons include soon-to-be-sacked Mick McCarthy, pie-eater extraordinaire Jon Parkin and Blades captain/Part-time plastic surgeon Chris Morgan.

Ken Loach’s film ‘Kes’ was filmed in Barnsley, telling the story of how a boy steals a bird, steals a book about the bird, steals some money to feed the bird, and how his half-brother kills the bird when he finds he’s been stolen from. Heartwarming.

Apologies for this coming out before we’ve even thrashed Stoke and progressed in the Cup, but I’m busy next week with that whole ‘work’ thing. Please feel free to add any further tidbits you may have gleaned to educate the rest of us