Handy Guide To: Birmingham City FC

Scouring tinterwebs to find the record for toothless capitulation in professional football, I was staggered to find that we are due to bend over for some club called “Birmingham City FC" next Saturday in an uncompetitive nPower Championship fixture.

As I’d never before heard of this second-city minnow, I have trawled the superhighnets to establish factual facts about this footballing enigma, which I share below such that you may impress your friends down the pub with ‘your’ indepth knowledge.

Here we are then:

Formed in 1875, nine years before football was invented, Birmingham City FC have had more names than we have had shots in our last six matches. Originally “Small Heath Alliance" in 1888 they became Small Heath FC Ltd, Birmingham in 1905 and Birmingham City FC in 1943.

Small Heath FC Limited were the first football club to be a limited company with a board of directors. Original stock value was £650, which coincidentally is just about what they’re worth today too.

The club chairman is Carson Yeung, a Hong Kong based money launderer, allegedly. The former hairdresser-turned-multi-millionaire is currently on bail in Hong Kong and therefore is unable to attend matches.

Birmingham, or “Blues" to their fan, play at St Andrews in front of empty seats installed to comply with the Taylor Report. With an estimated capacity of 30,000 the ground is way too big for them, with an average attendance this season of 18, 400 and a high of 21,426. It’s horrible to get to, to stand in and was rightly bombed by the Luftwaffe during the war.

The former owners of the club were Davids Gold and Sullivan, who made their money through publishing pictures of c nts. This continued when they advertised 2003’s home kit modelled by Robbie Savage.

The present manager is Chris Hughton, inexplicably sacked by Newcastle United and the bloke I most wanted to replace Clough. He is so very good at managing he even uses ex-Forest manager Colin Calderwood as an assistant to restrict his own achievements.

As is often the case with Big Matches coming up, Blues lost their last outing to lowly Notts Forest with Hughton blaming the players for having one eye on this fixture, their Cup Final.

Despite never having won anything of note, Birmingham were the first English side to play in Europe, in 1956. That was also the year that they lost 3-1 to Manchester City in the FA Cup final, despite the City keeper playing on with a broken neck; Frankie Fielding only has repetitive strain injury.

Paul Peschisolido, who went on to form a formidable strike partnership with a Kenco cup as a Ram, met his future wife whilst a Blues player, the then-Brum CEO Karren Brady. Like Gold and Sullivan, Brady is now at West Ham United, trying to con the country out of the Olympic stadium.

Birmingham were the recipients of the first million-pound fee for a player when Trevor Francis was sold in 1979. Nothing is known of Francis’s career after this date, although he is now to be found commentating for Al Jazeera TV. Funny Old Game.

Birmingham’s record victory was against Forest, a 12-0 spanking in 1899. This was four years after their heaviest defeat, and 8-0 drubbing by The Mighty Rams. Hurrah.

Much like the Baseball Ground, it was long believed St Andrews was cursed by gypsies who were displaced to build the stadium. Barry Fry, manager at the time, urinated in each corner of the pitch to try to lift the curse. This had no discernible effect though, nor has the vast amount of sh it they’ve served up on it since.

Marlon King, toucher and beater of women, plays striker for the club when not enjoying Her Majesty’s custody. Worshipped by Bluenoses who have scant regard for decent society, King has scored eleven times this season and managed to not spit at, punch or verbally abuse any women in any of his celebrations. Ever the model pro, King has just been banned from driving for speeding.

As the lines between fantasy and reality grow ever more faint with the advent of Football Manager games and the like, it was still surprising to find Roy Hodgson and Chris Hughton playing ‘Panini album swapsies’ with their keepers at the start of the season, with Ben Foster swapping places with Boaz Myhill of WBA for the year.

Rams legend Lee Carsley inexplicably decided to join his boyhood club Birmingham when he left Everton and has been suitably punished by the football gods, now having to work for Coventry City.

Other players who have played for both sides (easy, Dave, easy!!) are Michael “Magic Jonno" Johnson and Kevin “Unfeasibly Tall" Francis, along with the likes of Rowett, Kenna, Kuhl and some mush called Gemmill.

That’s it for Saturday’s oppo. Yam aw’rite, kid..? Bostin.