Handy Guide to: Doncaster Rovers FC

As I trawled tinterwebs this morning looking for news of Derby fans who aren't disgusting and without morals, I found we are due to play someone called “Doncaster Rovers"in a competitive nPower Championship fixture on Saturday... despite being a connoisseur of domestic football, I’d never heard of this Yorkshire minnow and so, as usual, have scoured tinterweb to gather facts for a handy “Print Out And Keep" guide so that you may amaze your friends down the pub with your in-depth knowledge of our opponents.

Here we are then:

Doncaster Rovers FC were formed in 1879 turning professional in 1885, the very year after football was invented.

The nicknames of the club include “The Rovers" and “The Vikings" although most people refer to them as “Donny" or, more commonly, “Who..?"

Donny play at the Keepmoat Stadium (15,231 capacity) which replaced Belle Vue in 2007. The highest recorded attendance at Keepmoat is 15,001 vs Dirty Leeds. The stadium is named after the Council Housing Company which own the stadium and, like most council house tenants, Donny moan about the heating, or specifically because there is NO undersoil heating at the stadium. I suppose we taxpayers should have stumped up for that too, should we?

The nPower Championship is the highest league Donny have ever played in, this being their fourth spell in the nation’s second league.

Their present manager is Dean Saunders, a Rams legend despite being Welsh and sporting a Keeganesque perm thing.

Previous managers include Derby County Legend Dave Penney. Penney was scouted to Derby from non-league football in 1985 and went on to play many (well, 19) times for Arthur Cox’s team, although not with the impact of Jake Buxton.

Another name you may recognise on Saturday is former Rams starlet “Champagne Gilesy" Barnes who, before being rejected by many, many many Premier League clubs, once played for Derby and even played the pass for Paul McShane’s £60m own goal in 2007.

Chris Brown is their number 9. He’s not the one famous for punching Rhianna, but he HAS made the tabloids, predominantly for filming himself and his then Sunderland teammates performing sexual acts on a 16 year old girl. Perv.

Not content with having Barnes and Brown in the squad, Deano has put his faith in another of football’s most disgusting men and signed El Hadji Diouf, whose career has enabled him to spit on players, fans and women in many different countries.

Doncaster is also famous for naming it’s airport after Nottingham’s Robin Hood. The airport is at the centre of the “Twitter Joke Trial" wherein Paul Chambers has been prosecuted for jokingly threatening to blow the airport sky-high when his flight to his girlfriend was cancelled due to snow. Chambers lost his job and gained a criminal conviction for this 140-character jape, highlighting again the rank stupidity of the British Justice system. #iamspartacus.

Speaking of perms, a famous fan of Donny Rovers in Kevin Keegan, ex-star of Liverpool, Hamburg and England and serial toys-out-of-pram merchant. Tony Christie, the poor man’s Tom Jones, is also a Rovers fan.

Ed Milliband, Opposition Leader and starey-eyed brother of David Milliband, is an MP in Doncaster. He does NOT like football though, which is convenient as there is nowhere to see any in the town.

Paulo El Greenio once played for Donny Rovers, before his raw potential was spotted and his skills honed at Derby County. He played 235 times for them, scoring 30 goals, before he was spotted by a DCFC Scout who had gotten lost on his way to a proper match in the area, at Barnsley. El Greenio is now a recognised International midfielder for Ireland, and third-choice right-back for The Rams.

Famous sons of Doncaster include the hero pilot of WWII Douglas Bader, star of stage and screen Brian Blessed and motor-journalist Jeremy Clarkson. In an unrelated story, all Donny fans are known as legless, loud-mouth idiots.

Another famous Doncaster lad is Thomas Crapper, inventor of the flushing toilet. Make up your own punchline.

This is all the information tinternet has on Saturday’s opponents.. there’s not much I admit, but the worldwideweb doesn’t get into Yorkshire much as there’s no real need.