Comment deleted by Article Creator

What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

....................

My German perv uncle is coming over for the weekend

I fear the wurst

..............

Saw my ex-wife down at the bank today, not good news!!

I was hoping she'd wash further down river.

......................

Dear Dr. Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife just standing there,
arms folded ... watching me......
Is she a pervert?

...................

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

.........................

Comment deleted by Article Creator

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.
6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.
9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.
10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
13. Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. I stand at the back and ting.
14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
17. I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.
18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.
Ten pin?
No, permanent.
19. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down
26. Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.
Mum: Is it common?
Dad: It's Not Unusual
27. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.

fuсking

сunts

fuсk

To the tune of Robin Hood, Robin Hood.


Liverpool, Liverpool,
home of the Red Men
In control, scoring goals
time and time again.
With Jurgen Klopp
we're never going to stop
Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool.

Comment deleted by Article Creator

CREAMY FISH STEW

100g chorizo/pepperoni sliced/cubed
1 onion finely chopped
1 onion roughly chopped
black pepper
2 Tbls olive oil
2 Tbls butter

FRY FOR 3 MINUTES IN STOCK PAN

4 garlic cubes
1 Tbls fish sauce

FRY FOR 2 MINUTE THEN ADD THE FOLLOWING

3 tins tomatoes
500ml water
2 tsp fennel seeds ground
4 bay leaves
sprig thyme
2 tins white kidney beans
1 tin chickpeas
2 potatoes thinly sliced

COOK 10 MINUTES

250g cooked mixed veg
2/3 chillies
bag mussel meat

PUT VEG INTO BLENDER THEN CHOP AND ADD CHILLIES. BLEND THOROUGHLY THEN ADD 1/3 MUSSELS AND BLEND THOROUGHLY. ADD TO PAN WITH REMAINING MUSSELS COOK FOR A WHILE. THEN ADD

bag whitefish

COOK FOR A WHILE THEN ADD


bag king prawns
bag small prawns
chopped fresh parsley

COOK FOR 5 MINUTES THEN ADD

tub cream

COOK FOR 5 minutes

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Comment deleted by Article Creator

To the tune of Hey big spender...


The minute you walked in the joint (Van Dyke)
I could see you were a player of distinction
A real defender
Good lookin so refined
Our defence is oh so solid now that you've signed

We know that you won't disappoint (Van Dyke)
The way you pass the ball it sets our forwards free
Vir-gil Van Dyke (Vir-gil Van Dyke)
Score another goal for me

09:52 at the earliest WhatsApp

Comment deleted by Article Creator

BREAD AND BUTTER PUDDING

Ingredients
150g/5oz mixed sultanas and raisins
75g/3oz caster sugar
1 lemon or orange, finely grated zest
½ tsp mixed spice
8 thin slices white bread, crusts removed
100g/4oz butter, melted

For the custard
2 free-range eggs
300ml/½ pint double cream
150ml/¼ pint milk
2 tbsp demerara sugar

Method...You will need an ovenproof dish about 2½-3 pint/1.4-1.7 litres volume (18 x 23 x 5 cm/7 x 9 x 2 in).
Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4 and use some of the melted butter to grease the dish.
Combine the dried fruit, sugar, lemon zest and spice together in a bowl and toss to mix well.
Cut each bread slice into three strips. Take sufficient slices to cover the base of the dish and dip one side of each one in melted butter. Lay them in the dish, buttered-side down. Sprinkle with half the dried fruit mixture. Repeat the layering, laying the bread strips buttered-side up. Lay the third and final layer of bread strips on top, buttered-side up.
For the custard, beat together the eggs, cream and milk in a bowl and pour it over the pudding. Sprinkle with demerara sugar, and then leave to stand for about one hour if time allows.
Bake for about 30-40 minutes, or until the top is golden-brown and crisp and the pudding slightly puffed up.

Comment deleted by Article Creator

Are you lost?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/62354857

KFC RECIPE.............


11 spices — Mix with 2 cups white fl 1) 2/3 Ts salt 2) 1/2 Ts thyme 3) 1/2 Ts basil 4) 1/3 Ts oregano 5) 1 Ts celery salt 6) 1 Ts black pepper 7) 1 Ts dried mustard 8) 4 Ts paprika 9) 2 Ts garlic salt 10) 1 Ts ground ginger 11) 3 Ts white pepper

I wrote this a few years ago after a Mank so-called-mate ripped me off for almost 10 Million.

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the garden shed
Nothing was moving except for a Smack head
Who’d gone round the back door and jemmied the lock
With a flat-head screwdriver he kept in his sock

Upstairs they were sleeping so they didn’t know
A thieving Mank b*****d was sneaking below
He stank of stale sweat like most mank pr`<ks
and staggered about ‘cos he'd just had his fix

He went to the fire where the stockings were hung
And nicked all the sweets that were meant for the young
Then being as quick as a drunk mank Smackhead can be
He rifled the presents piled under the tree

He left all the junk and nicked all the treasure
And p****d on the fire just for good measure
Then, pockets crammed full, the thieving Mank Flid
Slipped out of the house……that belonged to his Kid.



It's all true....


...or at least the stinking sweaty smackhead bit is

Ingredients

Tomato Passata
Roast Red Peppers
1 tsp cornflour
2 tbsp light soy sauce
400g large raw prawns butterflied or other meat
2 tbsp rice vinegar
1 heaped tbsp tomato purée
1 tsp caster sugar
2 tbsp oil
6 small or 3 large whole dried chillies
100ml pinapple puree
thumb-sized piece ginger, finely grated
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

Method

Mix cornflour & 1 tbsp soy sauce in jug, add meat & put to one side.
Stir vinegar, soy sauce, tomato purée, sugar and 2 tbsp water together in a jug.
Heat pan add 1 tbsp oil & fry the meat until golden in places. Set aside.
Heat the remaining oil and add the peanuts, chillies and water chestnuts. Fry for 2 mins add the ginger and garlic fry for 1 more min. Blend red peppers with passata and add to pan. cook through. Add meat and jug of sauce and simmer for few mins until thickened slightly. Serve with rice.

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BEEF CANNELLONI

4 fresh lasagne sheets, cut in half widthways, or
8 dried cannelloni tubes
10g of Parmesan, finely grated

Beef Ragu...... 3 tbsp of olive oil
500g of beef mince, or 250g of beef mince and
250g of pork mince
1 onion, finely diced
2 garlic cloves, sliced
1 stick of celery, finely diced
100ml of red wine
1 bay leaf
2 400g tins of chopped tomatoes
75ml of whole milk
salt
freshly ground black pepper

Bechamel Sauce...... 25g of butter
25g of flour
1 bay leaf
380ml of whole milk, warmed
freshly grated nutmeg
1 dash of white wine vinegar
salt

Make the filling. Add 2 tbls
of olive oil to a large pan and fry off the mince
until browned and starting to crisp up a little
Remove from pan then add
another tablespoon of oil with the onion, garlic,
celery and a pinch of salt. Sweat until soft,
about 8 minutes
Add the mince back into the pan along with the
wine and bay leaf. Cook until the wine has
reduced by half then add the tomatoes and
milk. Leave on a low heat to simmer for an hour
Meanwhile, prepare the béchamel. Heat the
butter and flour in a pan and stir to create a roux.
Add milk, the bay leaf, nutmeg and a pinch of
salt.
When ready, the ragu should have a thick
velvety texture; not too loose to fit in a piping
bag, but not too dry otherwise it won't cook
the pasta. When you're happy with the texture,
preheat an oven to 180°C/gas mark 4
If using fresh pasta, blanch the sheets in salted
boiling water then plunge into iced water.
Spoon the mixture along the length of each
sheet, then roll into tubes and place in an
ovenproof dish, seam-side down
If using dried cannelloni tubes, you will need a
piping bag to fill them. Once you have a dish full
of ragù-filled pasta tubes, spoon any leftover
ragu into the dish around the edges of the pasta, then top with the béchamel sauce and
cover in grated Parmesan
Bake the cannelloni for 40–50 minutes until
golden and bubbling.

DVLA, Swansea SA99 1ZW